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Saturday, September 11, 2010

VSG surgery Fleet and TTMI

??9.6 I think. Not sure about the 10ths, but I'm sure that its a new middle number.

I hit the new number yesterday, but I wasn't sure if that was only because I'd been sick the night before. Like for real IWANTMYMAMA kinda sick. Up until the other night I'd only been constipated once in my adult life and that was thanks to two weeks of optifast presurgery. After dealing with that two day ordeal, experience told,"Oh hell no, Waning Woman. Remember when it felt like your entire pelvic region was about to explode? Unless you want to birth another potato out of your ass, I suggest that you go ahead and handle this NOW!" I'm telling you it hurt from the cooter to the pooter and there were certified grown woman tears involved That was certainly something I didn't want to have to experience ever again.
Anyway, I didn't want to wait for a top down treatment to work, so I got real familiar with Fleet the other night and let it do its job. After laying on the bathroom floor with my butt in the air a few minutes, everything came out fine.
Relieved that my bothersome bowel blockage was now on its way to some far, far away water treatment plant, I went to the couch and started to play on the xbox. Fleet must not have finished working because before I knew it, I was back on the bowl. No biggie. I went back a few more times, but suddenly I started to have the most intense cramping sensation.
JESUS BE A SWIFT AND SWEET BREEZE AND COME CARRY ME TO HEAVEN RIGHT NOW!
I was sitting on the toilet, sweat was dotting my brow and my body was covered with a sheen of sweat. I went from not being able to go  to not being able to stop from going and it hurt something terrible. It was so bad that all I could do was lay in the hallway outside of the bathroom door with a bedspread. I kept getting up to go the bowl every minute or so and the only way I can describe it is to say that it felt like I was throwing up out of my butt. That retching that makes your whole body shake and makes you get on your tippie toes like a ballerina was happening, it was just on the wrong end. Even when there was nothing more that could come out, I was still dry heaving out of my butt!!!  Ay Dios mio! Just as I thought that I couldn't take any more, it slowly started to ebb. Although I was shaky and worn out, the edge was taken off enough that I could actually get into the bed and go to sleep.
 Whew, I'm wiped out just telling you guys about it.The next day, I felt like Naomi Campbell's hairline- dry, broke down, depleted, and in need of salvation, but holding on for dear life.


ttyl

11 comments:

  1. OH MY GAWD!!! This was one of the funniest posts ever! NOT that I was laughing at your pain...but the way you described it was hilarious. I am SO sorry you went through this! UGH. But, seriously, how are your constipation issues now?

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  2. I've bought fiber gummies and benefiber. I thought that I was getting enough, but with my new anatomy and my diminished food capacity I must need more. That's ok, I'm about to give Connie Pation a black eye.

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  3. wowwww, were more in tuned than I thought! The night before I was in the middle of a poker game online and got a feeling that made me sit straight up in my chair and look from side to side then tilt my head like, "what was that"? The next 30 minutes were just unfortunate....
    Then the very next day on the way to the barbershop... while driving.....I survived though. Lesson Learned, I cant have peanut butter in my protein shake, or I cant have bar b que sauce on my few cutlets of pork rib meat. Ultimate lesson. I WONT EAT ANY OF IT AGAIN!
    get Better Waning!!!!!!!! And I agree with Christy, not laughing at your pain and missed sleep, but your TMI Narration was funTy!

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  4. Oh God, How effing funny!! I told you once before that if I owned a newspaper, I'd hire you to write in a second.

    -Heather

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  5. Oh dear LORD you need a "Im laughin with you not at you" radio button up there...I was putting myself in your shoes and I was wanting to kick them off and bury them under the bed. You NEED to write a book, the world is less without one from you

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  6. That was rough, but my goodness woman, you made your pain into such an entertaining issue, I couldn't look away!...birthing a potato out of my butt...that's poetry I say!

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  7. OMG! I just had this happen today. It felt like childbirth and I didn't even sweat or have to pace back and forth in delivery! I almost thought someone would have to come and take it!

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  8. OMG. I feel your pain. I can't help but laugh, though. Not at what you went through but the way you described it.

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  9. I am about to embark on my VSG journey - going to see the doctor Wednesday to discuss the surgery and find out what he wants to do pre-op. (First visit) I just stumbled across your blog and I was laughing out loud. Definitely bookmarking this page!!! By the way, I had my first experience with Castor Oil a couple of weekends ago and I honestly can see now how it makes pregnant women go into labor. Can you have that with VSG? Anyway, the packaging claims that it takes 6-12 hours to work but I can ASSure you that it only takes about 3-4. I recommend it - just don't plan on leaving the house after you've taken it.

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  10. Lol... this post sounds like the last 2 months for me!... my DS has not been nice in that department and sometimes I feel like I am giving birth to a bowling ball!!!... I hate constipation!..

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