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Thursday, October 21, 2010

VSG surgery T-bones and fatasses

??1.8

Making my way to the new middle number before the end of the month.....hopefully.


this steak actually look REALLY good
So I was in pretty bad car accident. To make a long story very short, I had a green light and was traveling through an intersection, and some impatient asshat pulled around a car that was waiting in the turning lane and pulled right in front of me. There was no time to react or anything, I just slammed into him. Everything after that was hazy. I could hear, but I couldn't really make out anything. I could see, but my brain wasn't registering. I felt like I was underwater. It was a very unreal. The car is totaled-broken windshield, motor pushed up, fluids leaking, front end completely crushed- but I'm alive.

I'm usually pretty confident and upbeat about my weight loss and my appearance, but the other day when I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat girl. No matter how I turned or angled, I still just saw a fat girl. My eff-the-chart, I'm-big-and-I'm-proud self was reduced to being  insecure, hesitant, questioning. I just wanted to go home. When I got home, it still didn't stop. All I could do was fixate on what was wrong with me.

sad breast feeding boobs
stretchmarks
not so smooth skin
saggy bits
not so firm parts

"can you throw 'em o'er shoulder like a continental soldier?"
I didn't like how it felt, but it was almost like there was nothing I could do about it. I tired psyching myself up by telling my brain to remember the journey, where I came from, all of that jazz, but it was of no avail. I'm smaller than I've been in a long, long, long time, and I felt like a fat failure.

I guess this is all part of the process, too

5 comments:

  1. Aww my poor lil sister.

    Emotions, the mind, the brain and the body are so intricately woven that its often hard to tell where one starts and another begins. So right now you are recovering in many ways and effected in many ways.You are allowed to be sad, unhappy, and in need of bolstering. Its alot like referred pain...simply treat yourself as you would treat someone recovering from an accident---gently, with lots of love and low expectations. All you have to do today is heal. And allow others to take care of you for a little bit

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  2. I am so glad that you weren't killed or severely hurt in the accident. And, I look to your blog for support - seriously :)

    Things will and do get better.
    --Heather

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  3. I totally agree with Chrissy. I was in a bad accident a few years ago, and I felt really depressed afterwards, and very emotional. It's possible your system is recovering from the shock, too. Just try to take it very easy on yourself and realize that the emotions are a part of the effect of the accident. Your emotions will heal along with your body.

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  4. It's really weird out our minds work. Before surgery, I lost a bit over 60 pound following my surgeon's program but, every time I looked in the mirror, I still saw me as I was at the weight I started. Everybody else could see it but me. Even now at the lowest weight I've been in ten freaking years, I still have a hard time seeing it.

    I'm very glad you were not severely injured or killed as well. Baby yourself today and let others baby you if they want to. *hugs*

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  5. I'm just glad was still gotcha here with us!!!!

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