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Thursday, November 11, 2010

VSG surgery Wind and sails

??6.4


Though still somewhat feverish and coughing up the green, I was feeling much better today. Sleevie feels a bit off, but my acid has been really under control. My appetite is next to nothing and I've been getting by on shakes and random bits of string cheese that The Kid feels like sharing with me.I even found out that Eggface like my FB page!! All in all, it was a far better day than I'd been having.......Until I got the phone call.

The Thing of Which I Will Not Speak reared its head and is in full on assault mode. It hasn't taken its usual form, but a form more nefariously silent. I'm sick of it, I really am. I am so sick of it, that I don't cry anymore. I feel agitated and uneasy in my skin and then an uneasy stillness comes over me. I don't feel angry or sad, I just feel the troubled emptiness-the emptiness of a vacuum of emotion. *sigh*
I feel like I need to feel something, though. By feeling, I am doing. And while I cannot beat down this brick wall, isn't it better than sitting in the corner staring at it emotionlessly? If I rage and weep and gnash and wail, that's better than what I feel, right?.....right? I...um... I just don't know.

I'm on my way out of town in a few hours and  while I'll try to nablopomo, it doesn't really matter anyway since I missed Nov. 1st. I'm gonna go pack and I will

ttyl

4 comments:

  1. I know very well about family issues...it gets you at your core. I'm praying for a resolution for you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dissociation exists for a reason. It is a coping tool...thats all. It comes for a reason and it is also a signal or symptom. I am pretty much recovered from PTSD with dissociation. Sometimes its all just too much to handle.

    I used to think I had to feel it! FEEL IT!...then , for me, I realized: ya know...obviously my brain and heart aren't ready to--and this protects me til I am...so when I numb I sorta analyze and recognize...the feelings come when they come.

    Feelings are simply feelings. They arent a destination. Its ok

    ReplyDelete
  3. It's okay not to always feel, it could be your subconscious way of protecting yourself while you do what needs to get done. hugs to you lady!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hm, I have a theory and tell me where I'm wrong (because I often am), that trying "not" to feel isn't workin' so well for you? So I wonder if giving feeling a try might be just what you need in order to feel your feelings all the way through and get to the other side of them? Just something to think about.

    ReplyDelete

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