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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

VSG surgery Buttcracks and cracks

??

I REALLY REALLY feel like my ass is breaking, yall. It is no longer just a general achiness, but I have a very specific spot right at the top of my crack that feels, for lack of a better word, like its cracking. You know how you can get a crack right in the corner of your mouth? Now just imagine that on your butt.

Sweet Jesus be a shot of lidocaine and get rid of the pain in my ass!!!!!!!!!!!! Ay dios mio!

All I can do is shake my head. Who knew that this would one of the things that I'd be blogging about 7 months after The Big Day. Anyway yall, I'm actually about to wrap this up because I'm sitting on my afflicted bum and I am ready to get up off of it.






There once was a woman who waned
Whose buttocks did cleave in twain
Though try as she might
To glue left to right
Her buttocks were never the same 

ttyl



Monday, September 27, 2010

Just a pic

??7.2 or something like that

Just a pic to remind me of how far I've come. I was feeling pretty beat these past few days but this helps put it all into perspective.
That is all

ttyl

Thursday, September 23, 2010

VSG surgery Frogs and meds

??? pretty much the same as it was yesterday

My acid reflux is nonexistent now that I'm taking everything like I'm supposed to! Woohoo! I'm happy that I'm feeling better, but I know me, and once I start feeling better I'll get all sporadic with my med taking. I am officially giving all of you permission to check me about taking my meds any time of the day no matter what time zone you're in ( hey you Aussies.) In fact, even if I've said I'm about to take it often times I don't take it right then. My ADD ass will go into the kitchen with every intention of taking them, but then I'll realize that my basil plant needs water or something like that, and then The Kid will start yelling about something, or the phone will ring, or I'll look down at my toes and realize that they need polish, and then that will make me think about shoes, which somehow will make me think about cake ( cause everything in life leads to cake), and then I'll leave the kitchen and sit back down on the computer and the cycle will start again. Whew that was a mouthful. So while I said that I was about to take my meds and I really, truly, honest to God wasn't lying when I said it, CHECK ME ABOUT IT! If I die because Sleevie Wonder, pissed b/c I didn't take my meds, climbs up out of my esophagus and chokes the life out of me, I'm coming to haunt all of you.

The Kid's train table is right by the sliding door to the patio and while enthusiastically reenacting scenes from his favorite Thomas "ddd's", he knocked down the curtain.
TK- Oh no, mommy!!! I knock it!
WW- cleaning the kitchen I'll fix it later.
TK- Oh no, mommy!! The FWOG!!!!
WW- Yeah, you saw frogs at Grandy and Papa's house
TK-Oh no, mommy! The FWOG is inna na'ty water!

I walked over to the sliding glass door, and sure enough we have an amphibian floating around in a mop bucket. I have NO idea how long that frog has been in there. I like my house but I hate my back patio
WITH. A. PASSION. 
It has a corrugated tin roof which acts more like a water funnel than a barrier and it has disgusting carpet on it ( who does that?) and its only getting disgustinger by the minute. So I avoid looking out of my back door. Period. Poor frog is suffering because of the previous owners, "upgrades" Anyway, I'd just kick the bucket over, but it looks like there might be tadpoles in there. Hmmmmmmm. Well, if any of you want to adopt a frog come get it. Just know that it will be necessary to be searched and patted down for any recording devices b/c you will not be posting pictures of my raggedy ass patio on FB.







ribbet!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

VSG surgery Goldfish and crap

??8. something. Down a bit from yesterday

So, yesterday and I didn't really eat that well. Let me rephrase that, I ATE LIKE CRAP!!! I had a Muscle Milk for breakfast, and then between breakfast and dinner I just ate junk-junkalicious craptastic crap. I had a bag of chips and two handfuls of goldfish crackers, and you know what? They weren't even delicious. The caloric content wasn't enough to really mess up the day, but its just the quality of it that has me wanting to throw it all out. For me, I want to get away from eating that mess. I need to make a dichotomous key and put it on my pantry door so that I can be visually reminded to make better food choices. No point in wasting calories on food that doesn't even really do it for me.

If it tickles my pickle, floats my boat, or any other crazy idiom that makes it damn near impossible for me to translate my blog into another language, I can live with my choices and be ok. I need to make sure that everything I do for myself and to myself is only going to bolster my marvelousness. Clearly, handfuls of goldfish crackers crammed into my mouth don't fit the bill.


Monday, September 20, 2010

VSG surgery PPS and restriction

??8.6 I think

 My weight is up an obscene amount from last week. I know that there is NO was possible that I ate enough of anything for these to be real lbs. I'm chalking most of this up to PPS-Phantom Pound Syndrome. I don't feel any bigger and in fact I actually think that I look smaller. I've been losing really well these last few weeks so if I can get back to where I was by this time next week, I'll be ok with it.

I had a TON of restriction this weekend and I was barely able to eat anything. On Saturday, I went to a killer homestyle restaurant. I'm telling you that the food there is slap ya mama, ya grandmama, and ya grandmama's grandmama good. MMMM mmmm mmmmm. I ordered the rib basket and the meat was tender, well seasoned, and didn't even need the sauce. I was only able to get in one and a half ribs, and none of the sides. UGH!! Most days I'm ok with the amount of food that I can eat, but that day was not one of them. To top it off, the greedy vultures at the house spied me styrofoam box, ate my leftovers, and left nothing there but the picked clean bones *shaking my head*

Yesterday my mom made a brisket that was supernaturally good. I've heard of people "putting their feet in it" but I really think that she put her whole damn leg in that brisket. Past the ankle, the shin, the patella, and square up to her hamstring booty/thigh junction. Like the day before, Sleevie decided that he wanted to be contrary and cross and allowed but a few bites of that beefy deliciousness to pass my lips. *sigh* I know that it is part and parcel of the whole VSG and the weight loss process and right now I can tell you with all honesty that I would do it again in a heartbeat, but sometimes I just have those days.

ttyl

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

VSG surgery meltingmama and fisticuffs

??5.8  108.2

I was tired of the old layout and because we're entering Autumn I selected this purdy color palette. I moved a few things around, so if they don't work, leave me a comment and let me know.

Meltingmama and I had a fight last night......in my dream.

The dream started with me in MM's living room, and although it wasn't explicitly stated, I knew that I was there so that I could talk to her about my blog. I was standing there in this big octagonal room and and she came out of her bedroom clearly annoyed with me and rolled her eyes-HARD. I'm not sure if anything else was said, but she looked at me and said very snootily, " Vacuum my house," then turned her back and walked off. The shock of that statement cemented me in my tracks for a few second, but then I was after her like a lion on a gazelle. I sprinted after her, jumped on her back and tackled her to the ground while yelling at her, " NO! YOU need to read my blog!" We were a rolling cloud of scribbles and dust just like in the cartoons.
it looked just like this!

After fighting like rabid badgers for what seemed like forever, I bested my formidable prey and made her go back into the room and get her laptop. She came back in a huff, glared at me, and then threw the laptop at me!! OMG!!! The fight was back on A-GAIN!! After a whirlwind of fists, feet, forks, fangs, "f*ck you's", and free-for-all ferocity, I pinned her to the ground with me knee and told, " Look, I'm not vacuuming your floor. You're gonna read my blog."  And that was the dream. I'm still not really sure if she read it or not. Lol.

ttyl

Monday, September 13, 2010

VSG surgery Work and Royalty

??? Pretty much the same as it has been

This going to work thing is WORK! Jeepers! I really wish that I could just sit my ever reducing rump on the couch and get paid. That would be the life. I really should've been born an heiress or something. I mean, I could be Paris Hilton. I'm at least 10x smarter than she is and I'm sure that a Waning Woman sex tape would be a lot less boring. I'm practically royalty anyway considering that PT is the reigning King of Cornballia. Maybe then Sleevie Wonder could be a Duke, Sir Duke to precise. Anyway, all I know is that I am tired and right now the only fruit that my labor is bearing forth is sweaty armpits and a sore bum. (if your mind works anything like mine then SHAME on you)
Once I actually get a check and the dough starts flowing, I'm sure that I'll feel much better about it.

My acid has been much better now that I actually take my meds the way that I'm supposed to. I take the good stuff in the morning, the cheap stuff at night, and sometimes I'll throw a gaviscon in the mix for good measure. I'm telling you, all it took was me having more than one Cough!Splutter!Gasp!  incident and that was all of the push I needed to put my ass in alignment.

 All in all today was a good day. No acid, drank a ton of water, got in my protein shakes, and now I'm finna slide onto the couch, cue up the DVR and watch Weeds.

ttyl

Saturday, September 11, 2010

VSG surgery Fleet and TTMI

??9.6 I think. Not sure about the 10ths, but I'm sure that its a new middle number.

I hit the new number yesterday, but I wasn't sure if that was only because I'd been sick the night before. Like for real IWANTMYMAMA kinda sick. Up until the other night I'd only been constipated once in my adult life and that was thanks to two weeks of optifast presurgery. After dealing with that two day ordeal, experience told,"Oh hell no, Waning Woman. Remember when it felt like your entire pelvic region was about to explode? Unless you want to birth another potato out of your ass, I suggest that you go ahead and handle this NOW!" I'm telling you it hurt from the cooter to the pooter and there were certified grown woman tears involved That was certainly something I didn't want to have to experience ever again.
Anyway, I didn't want to wait for a top down treatment to work, so I got real familiar with Fleet the other night and let it do its job. After laying on the bathroom floor with my butt in the air a few minutes, everything came out fine.
Relieved that my bothersome bowel blockage was now on its way to some far, far away water treatment plant, I went to the couch and started to play on the xbox. Fleet must not have finished working because before I knew it, I was back on the bowl. No biggie. I went back a few more times, but suddenly I started to have the most intense cramping sensation.
JESUS BE A SWIFT AND SWEET BREEZE AND COME CARRY ME TO HEAVEN RIGHT NOW!
I was sitting on the toilet, sweat was dotting my brow and my body was covered with a sheen of sweat. I went from not being able to go  to not being able to stop from going and it hurt something terrible. It was so bad that all I could do was lay in the hallway outside of the bathroom door with a bedspread. I kept getting up to go the bowl every minute or so and the only way I can describe it is to say that it felt like I was throwing up out of my butt. That retching that makes your whole body shake and makes you get on your tippie toes like a ballerina was happening, it was just on the wrong end. Even when there was nothing more that could come out, I was still dry heaving out of my butt!!!  Ay Dios mio! Just as I thought that I couldn't take any more, it slowly started to ebb. Although I was shaky and worn out, the edge was taken off enough that I could actually get into the bed and go to sleep.
 Whew, I'm wiped out just telling you guys about it.The next day, I felt like Naomi Campbell's hairline- dry, broke down, depleted, and in need of salvation, but holding on for dear life.


ttyl

Thursday, September 9, 2010

VSG surgery BLOG-ojevich and PT

??1.9   102.1

I'm sitting here tired as all get out. I got a J-O-B. A real one that requires me to wear a company shirt and keep track of my hours.A real one that leaves me exhausted at the end of the day. I'm wiped out like the coastline of Louisiana right about now. However, It's seasonal, it's disposable ( I would give a rat's ass about quitting on the spot), and its just what I need right now. There's a list of things around here that need to be fixed that starts with my attitude and ends with a transmission and this moola will come in very hand. Sooooo if I neglect you, don't go anywhere and start cheating on me with other blogs. I know who you are, I know who THEY are and I will, I repeat, I will sue somebody for alienation of affection. Just ask Fanny Mae Jenkins Barrino how real that is.

PT doesn't read my blog ( LOSER!!) but he's always making comments and saying little funny stuff about me being a blogger. He doesn't even call me by my name when I'm pecking away on ole qwerty. Instead he chooses to call me Blogojevich. Then he'll turn to me with this retarded look in his face and be like " Get it? BLOG-ojevich." I'll look at him, not wanting to smile because #1 its corny, #2 I've heard it 500 times already, and #3 I think I'm way cooler than him. I can't help but laugh at the guy though. I love him to death. I really, really do. This is what he wrote and left on my computer desk

It's gotten to the point that if we argue, you'll no longer use the typical "Well you can cook your own dinner" or" You can sleep by yourself tonight." No, your new weapon of verbal retaliation and affirmation of your matriarchal power is now, " Well, I'm just gonna go blog."
 He's so full of it. I only told him that because he was being a cornball by calling me BLOG-ojevich and I really DID have better things to do at the the time. Anyway, that is a lame threat. I'm more of a favorite shirt on the bbq kinda girl.

I gotta wake up early and got to work and Waning Woman does not do early well at all.

ttyl

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

VSG surgery Split pea soup and NWB

??2.8 I think. I'm at 101 something for total weight loss. Lowest weight to date.

So, I think I've finally had enough of the acid and my non-compliant ass is really on track with my meds. Its been bad, but how in the hell can I accurately gauge whether or not the meds work as indicated if I only take them every other day or even more infrequently than that. This is the third day that I've taken them like I am supposed to be taking them so I'm happy that I'm getting back into the groove.

I am also happy to announce that I have a new workout buddy who lives only about 15 minutes from the house (jt, you and the missus can stay put......for now) and I am super crunk about it!!! She also happens to be a fellow sleever and I'm hoping that she starts poking her head around these parts some time soon. I'm just so ready to start working out with New Gym Buddy. Looks like she officially has a name now.

Somebody told Old Gym Buddy that it was ok for her to get pregnant. Are you kidding me? She had the nerve to be tired and sleepy when clearly I needed to go to the gym. Really?? Pregnant people suck ( sorry, Kim) Anyway, I hope that my new gym buddy has had a tubal ligation, essure,  uses the pill, the shot, the stamp, the sticker, double bags her man like a sack of canned goods, AND practices the rhythm method.

Even though I'm slowly but surely still losing weight, I want to refocus my eating habits. My parents were here AND it was a holiday weekend, so that was double whammy on my usually healthful ( HA!) eating habits. I've made a commitment with New Gym Buddy to exorcise the Chip Demons from my life. While there won't be any crucifix crotch trauma or  projectile split pea soup, I expect that it won't be the easiest thing to do. Luckily, I've got someone to do it with.

Oh yeah, here's the picture that I posted on facebook the other day.

ttyl

Friday, September 3, 2010

VSG surgery Footballs and turkey

??? Weight is pretty much the same. Nothing to see here, people.

 I'm not one who necessarily thinks that they are smarter than everyone, but when somebody tells me something that is clearly bullshit, I call it for what it is, medical "professional" or not. I was told that I could never drink a soda because it would swell my stomach up to the size of a football. Really? You should see my face right now. Unless I happen to be some freak with a malfunctioning esophageal sphincter that slams down and welds itself shut, I'll just burp. That's it. It may be a little uncomfortable, but unless they've started packaging 12 packs with free bicycle pumps or better yet, air compressors, its just not gonna happen.

 I bought these turkey breast medallions over at Costco and they are pretty good. On days when I don't really feel like getting up off my bum these are a really quick and tasty lunch solution. They're surprisingly tender and well seasoned.  It's like a Thanksgiving party in your mouth minus the indigestion, drunk uncle, and that weird green jello dessert. So if you're looking for a quick protein fix go to Costco and cop a few bags.

ttyl

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

VSG surgery Acid and grooves

???

The effects of my long weekend are finally starting to wane and I'm beginning to feel like myself again. The heaviness has lifted and I actually managed to get some stuff done around the house. I'm a complete and total houseworkaphobe so I look for any excuse to get out of it. Runny nose, slightly scratchy throat, stubbed toe, paper cut, ANYTHING at all and you might as well forget about it. So if the house is clean you can guarantee that I'm feeling better.

My stomach has been a'rumblin, a'grumbin, and a'tumblin like a cement mixer these last few days. I'm experiencing lots of physical hunger, but I've had very little desire to eat. I've been having my protein shakes for breakfast and sometimes lunch if I feel like chugging another one, but my solid food intake has been really small.  Sleevie Wonder has been telling me that he wants food, but I'm just going about my day twittering, facebooking, and otherwise paying no mind to his demands. I really need to take care of that before Sleevie goes all FEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!!! and eats the metermaid and makes a mangled mass of maroon and marrow in my otherwise peaceful abode. Yeah, I don't need any yellow tape around my house or bespectacled CSI dudes swabbing the grout in my floor.

Acid reflux has to be the worst about about the gastric sleeve. I've been told that if I hold my horses I might be among the privileged few whose reflux and acid issues go away. Hmmm, I'm not really gonna bet on it because there seems to be a ton of variability with that. Some get better, some don't and that's pretty much it. I need to get back in the routine of taking my pills and supplements first thing upon waking. I was taking them like I'm supposed to, but then something messed up my routine and I just gotta get back into the groove. I will though. I will.

ttyl

Waning Woman is sponsored by North Texas Bariatrics

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