Click the links below for more info. You know you wanna do it!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Happy Holidays

I'm here. Just letting you guys know I'm enjoying some much needed family time and I'll be back SOON. I hope that you too are taking some time recharge and reset for the New Year.

Thank you all for sharing this with me. I wouldn't be what I am without you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

This isn't a good thing...

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!?????!!!!!!!

Hit and run. This is accident number 5 for the year. None of them my fault. I'm done.

Monday, December 19, 2011

High Protein and High Flavor

   We're low carbing it up around here in the Waning Woman household. PT decided that he wanted to revisit Dr. Atkins for a few weeks to shed some poundage before the new year, so I've been doing some low carb pantry stuffing. .............That  sounds a little dirty.

Before surgery, Atkins was the eating plan that I used the first time I lost a major amount of weight so I know it does work. I really don't have to do it, but this morning I wanted eat low carb. My weight isn't up or anything, I'm doing quite well actually (hooray for me), but I guess my body knows what it needs.

According to The Rules, Low Carb/Atkins/Paleo/Protein First  is the way that I should be eating post op and quite honestly if you're creative or rich enough, its not a bad way to eat. There are a lot of really delicious high protein goodies. Beef ribs are a prime example.
If you've been following me on facebook then you know I am absolutely addicted to Lockhart Smokehouse and I go there at least twice a week. I'm seriously gonna have to start donating plasma cause that place is gonna break me! You know what, an even better idea than selling plasma, is selling off my used (and licked!) cupcake wrappers on I do it all for the nookie beef rib.

In no particular order, here are a few more of my high protein/ low carb faves!

Ribeye- It's SO delicious I think it may actually comes from the rib of a baby, angel cows.

Lobster- Oh, how I do love lobster.You never really hear me talk about it cause its a sore subject, so I take the outta sight outta mind approach. The last time I attempted to eat lobster on my canned oyster budget there were charges of petty larceny, a "Banned from Pappadeaux for LIFE" distinction, I'm still sensitive about that. Moving on...

Brisket- Smoked or herb roasted in the oven for hours, this hunk of bovine perfection never fails to satisfy my tastebuds. Unless, of course, you suck at making it.

Pernil- This garlicky, sticky pork roast is the best thing to happen to pig since pancakes and bacon cupcakes.  (they really do sell those at the bakery by my house ). I'd eat more of it, but being the loser that he is, PT doesn't eat pork and the cut of meat for pernil is pretty big. I love it, but The Kid and I can't eat that much.

All of this talking about food has got me hungry. Ah, who the hell am I kidding? That's just an excuse. I'm always thinking about food. The difference is now instead of daydreaming about trips to my next drive through while at a drive through, I think about beef ribs. Now, I do more whole eating and I've scaled waaaaay back on the processed stuff. I still enjoy the occasional cupcake, but instead of a big box store, they come from the mom and pop bakeries from around my way. Instead of Mcdonalds, gag inducing to me btw, I'll make my own burgers. Chemical filled, frozen,  jalapeno poppers now make way for my very own.
What about you? Have your tastes changed a lot since surgery? What is something that you used to enjoy that now sends you running the other way?

I'm about to go enjoy this burger patty!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Food pics and Me

Wordless Wednesday

Some random pics I took this week. You may have seen one of them already.

Who's that girl?

Spaghetti squash hashbrown are the TRUTH!

Taco Casa. Yes, its that serious.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Tell Me About Yourself Award

Why hello, yall. I know it's been a month of Sundays since I blogged and I apologize. Life is still hurling full speed ahead and things have not slowed down one bit. In fact, as I type this I'm sitting at the hospital waiting for my friend to have one of two procedures today. I'm fine, but its gonna be a long, LONG, day.

Soo, can I tell you how freaking cold it is here in the Great State. Jesus, its Joan Crawford, cutting glare cause you used the wrong kind of hanger, cold. Heartless! I don't know who pissed off Jack Frost and caused him to have this queenie tantrum all over the United States, but whoever you are, please stop. I've got a new pair of heels that are way too fabulously high to be worn on ice. They don't do ice, but they do DO laminate, travertine, gravel, Bourbon St, floor in clubs with unidentified sticky substances, and upside down in the air. WOOHOO!

So one of my fellow wls bloggers nominated me for not one, but TWO blog awards.Since I've been busy fending off marriage proposals and shoe shopping, so I sent my assistant (an by assistant, I mean one of my underpaid, nimble fingered, workers that I pulled off of lint removal duty. How do you think my tights say so black?) to get it for me. Well he got lost and never came back, but you can't really blame an 8 year old for not knowing the cardinal directions. Soooooo, today I had to personally sashay over to Sheila at This One Body and retrieve the awards myself.

First off, I want to sincerely thank you, Sheila for foolishly wearing that gnomish mind control cap that I sent you nominating  me. I like awards and accolades almost as much as I like shoes and cake, so you really made me smile.

So here's what I gotta do.

For both awards, I gotta thank the person who nominate me, tell you 7 facts you may or may not know about yours truly, and nominate my own set of peeps. So since number one is dunzo, lets move right on ahead to number 2.......By the way, I'm totally cheating by combining the two of them.

7 Facts You May or May Not Know About Me
  1. I used to play the violin and I used to be really good. I don't know why I don't play any more, but I should. Maybe I'm afraid that if I pick it up again, I'll suck. Sucking is incompatible with The Waning Woman.
  2. I can dance until I need an IV transfusion for dehyration, but if you ask me to run a mile I swear I will die. I don't know why I'm like that, but jogging and running are impossible for me. I can dance for an hour straight, no exaggeration. Put on some Michael and I'm gonna dance the soles off my my shoes. Ask me to jog a mile and I'll cast you one of those Joan Crawford side eyes. Heartless!
  3. OMG! I think that those "Famous Bowls" at KFC look like the nastiest shit I've ever seen in my life. Looks like a hot pot of vomit. I promise, you could give me one of those for free and I would take it home and put it into the dog bowl. Now they have the nerve to put bacon on it?!? That is the most inappropriate use of bacon in the universe, and for that, they need to be flogged.
  4. Speaking of bacon, I don't think that bacon makes everything better. Before you shoot, let me explain. I think that bacon is so great, it's one of those things that need to stand alone. That's all. I'm totally #teambacon.
  5. This morning I tried on some size 17 Mossimo jeans and they didn't fit. Not because they were falling off, but because they were too tight in the thighs. What the hell?!
  6. Which leads us to fact numero seis. I am bootylicious. (thank you Shawn and Travis) Personally, I think I'm more thighlicious, but that's kinda apples and pears. They're both kinda related enough. If somebody tells you you're bootylicious, you shouldn't really protest too much. Really.....There are a lot worse things than being bootylicious. Molelicious, toelicious, or NOlicious come to mind. 
  7. I hate that bitch in the Popeye's commercials with a passion that is reserved for people who've stolen something from me. She is my Flo. Every single time she gets on TV this with that sassy, Black woman voice talking about  "You come to my kitchen, baby....." Look lady, if I come to your kitchen, I'm gonna snatch you up outta that minstrel show that you call a commercial and slap some sense into you with the wire basket outta the chicken fryer...............Or maybe not. I hate Chicken Annie, but a check is a check.
Sooo, now I have to pass the love around to a few friends of my own.

I could add lots more, but I have to save some for my own nominees to nominate. Anyway, about to go down to this cafeteria and get some vittles. Tata for now.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Missing cups and Alternate Universes

that's about as useful as a man with  
   This morning I woke up ready to mix up my Chike so that I could do a review. After being missing for months, I found it still in it's envelope behind a big ass box of organic tomatoes, so I was a wee bit excited. I went to the cabinet to get out the snazzy shaker bottle they sent me and it was no where to be found. WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY SHAKER BOTTLE? Really? Nobody in the house is drinking protein shakes so there is no reason at all for my stuff to have been messed with. Ugh, I hate kids, and by kids I mean PT's ass too.  Somebody in my house has been drinking out of it cause only the cup part is missing. The lid is sitting right there in a dark, lonely corner of my cabinet missing it's dearly beloved. Did I mention that I hate kids? And people.
And okra.
And whipped icing.
And cars with eyelashes.
And acid reflux.
Missing bottoms are only acceptable if you're a a kid with diaper rash or a top shelf sKripper in the middle of the graveyard shift at an all nude bar, "Jangle and Dangle"

My weight is up and I'm none too happy about it. Its not a large enough amount for me to really be worried about, but its big enough for it to slightly grate my scale obsessed brain. I know what I want to weigh, and I don't really want to be any bigger or smaller. Is that really too much to ask?
The scale hasn't been my friend ever since I went to Zumba last weekend. The following day, I had a  big swoosh and Bessie hasn't been the same all week. I'm not blaming it on Zumba, I'm just using that as a reference point. It would be nice if I could blame weight gain on exercise.It would be nice if I could blame all of life's ills on exercise! What if you could stop something bad by NOT doing an exercise? Like if you wanted to immediately become more attractive, all you'd have to do is stop doing Taebo. What a novel revelation!
 Broke? Stop Zumbaing.
Acne? No more elliptical.
Irritating as people wearing your nerves? Put the kibosh on all that running?
Ebola? Well, you're royally screwed on that one there buddy.
Impotence? No more leg lifts!
Anyway, I'm about to catch this flying pig to this wonderfully fantastic, alternate universe I've created. See you at the end of the rainbow!

Monday, November 14, 2011

BTV and Me

...or go in these damned ricotta cakes!!!!! A bitch is thirsty.
The lovely ladies of  made my Crispy Pan Fried Ricotta Cake recipe on air! They even spun the eggs ;) You should click the link and check out this really, uber cool episode.

Thank you so much for the support, Toni and Lynda. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Recipes and Greatness

    Today has been a very productive day for me. I've been in the kitchen since I woke up furiously slaving away inventing some weight loss surgery friendly recipes. Slaving might not be the best word choice. I'm Black, but there were no whips or chains in the kitchen anyway or some perverted Massa looking at my sexy Nubian ass like I'm a ribeye and he's a hungry wolf. Anyway, I've been throwing stuff together like some crazy mash up of Mr. Wizard, Eggface, and Paula Deen and the results have been nothing short of legendary. But, I'm a legend, so you can't really expect anything else but greatness.
It's not a toque, but I REALLY did cook in this hat!

Part of the reason for this burst of inspiration is the fact that one of my recipes, Crispy Pan Fried Ricotta Cakes, won an award. w00t! You know what that means? My greatness doesn't exist only in this little high heeled, big haired, sashaying universe inside my head. Knowing that you're not delusional certainly does something to lift the spirits. Speaking of spirits, somebody needs to drink a gin and tonic in my honor. I'd do it, but I'm far from finished in the kitchen and in addition to taking a stand againt drunken texting, drunken volleyball I've also taken a stand against drunken cooking. It's a huge underreported problem, people.
Back to this winning thing. Does anybody want to buy me a bouquet of cupcakes and have them sent to my house? That is what you do when people win stuff, isn't it? Give them more stuff!!! When I was a student at Madame Papillon's School for Loose Women they had an art contest. My buttercream Madonna and Child Sitting at the Bus Stop Sucking on a Lollipop sculpture took top billing. In addition to the gold medal and the "This Kid is a Winner" certificate scrawled in old people's handwriting on a sheet of looseleaf paper I got a basket FULL of stuff. There was some Geritol, some denture cream (great eyelash glue btw), a couple of 5 dollar gift certificates to Sizzler, a pair of top of the line toe nail clippers, and some Gold Bond powder ( a friend told me that it was really good for carpet burn in the middle of your back. Hey, don't judge her. Where were we going to school again?)
I relive these fond memories only to tell you to send me more stuff...more!..more!...MORE!

Well, I got some shopping to do so that I can wrap up today's Krazy Kitchen Kookoff. Adios, mis amigos.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Normalcy and Unease

   Morning ya'll. It's been damn near a month of Sundays since I last blogged. I've been busy being a mom and trying to keep out household float. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just life....just life.

My weight has been really great. I was at my all time low weight yesterday, but after eating like a rabid zombie cow, I'm NOT at my lowest weight today. Eh, there's no way that its a real weight gain so I'm not distressed about it at all. In fact, I'm happy that I've been able to keep my weight within a few pounds of my lowest weight without really trying. I haven't exercised in a gajillion years and I've pretty much been eating whatever I want to. I should be happy that I'm able to maintain my loss with little actual effort on my part, but the truth is it feels a little uneasy.

Before surgery I had a conversation with Headlights that I remember like it happened yesterday. We were sitting at the top of her stairs talking, and I was telling her how I wished that I could be normal. I wanted to feel normal, look normal, eat a normal amount of food, shop in normal stores, fit into normal seats.....and right now I'm normal.

I don't want to obsess about what I eat or don't eat all the time, so why am I not happy that I'm cruising along on autopilot and still holding it all together. Let me clarify- I'm not sad, I'm just not elated. Not overwhelmed, not underwhelmed just "whelmed?" Normalcy is what I wanted so......



He's a fighter...a slayer.
Maybe a part of me feels like I should be fighting...something.  Since the weight gain started after having The Kid, I've been battling it tooth and nail, even claw. I didn't gain weight gracefully and I was constantly on one diet plan or another trying to bail myself out of the Titanic with a bucket and a prayer. Fighting may be too strong of a word. Struggling.....floundering......flopping around like a fish gasping for air....but I was doing something.
My reality, for years now, has been focused on me trying to lose weight.
Now I'm done.
I don't have to lose more weight and more importantly, I don't want to lose more weight.
How do I transition to this new reality?

Maybe I'm a little uneasy because despite all appearances, I'm afraid I'm not normal. Maybe I'm afraid that this is all an elaborate facade and the Real Me will unzip the normal suit, step out, and ruin the normalcy that I have. The New Me, the Normal Me, the Me That I Am RIGHT NOW, feels like the real me. So why would I be scared that the Real Me is the real me? Are you following? Being unzipped like a garment bag and another entity coming out is very un-normal.

What the fuck is normal anyway? Don't we all have a touch of the crazy in one form or another?...*sigh*...I'm reaching here for answers. I don't really know and I don't have the proper training for this shit. The last degree I got was almost 10 years ago and Certified Cupcake Expert isn't worth the paper it's printed on and certainly doesn't qualify me for all of this...anyway of this.

But here it is in a nutshell-I've reached a new milestone in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd say that might actually be pretty normal.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Strawberry Premier Protein RTD Shake

Well, if you've been reading my blog for a while, you know of my love for Premier Protein's shakes. Because I'm almost 20 months out I don't rely on them as heavily as I once did, but you can guarantee that there will always be a case of them in my house.

I've tried the chocolate, the vanilla, and now here is my review of the third shake in this trifecta of goodness!

Truth be told, I was really hoping for a small, show tune singing, strawberry to jump into my mouth and start jazzhandsing it. What I got was a slightly washed up, middle aged, crooked wig wearing, strawberry singing Tina Turner covers and chain smoking. Not as energetic, but still entertaining nonetheless.
The strawberry shake had more like the essence of strawberry and I thought that it tasted an awful lot like the vanilla. That's not a BAD thing though cause I did like the vanilla. I will repeat though, This Is Not A Bad Thing, just different than I expected.
Premier has added another solid product to their line. It isn't overly sweet, overly thick, and it has a really clean taste. The flavor actually kinda reminds me a bit of Quik and I say that in the most nostalgic way possible. I like it, I really do.

Let's look at the stats, though. These magical numbers are what sets Premier's shakes away from the rest of the bunch.

  • 30 grams of protein
  • only 160 calories
  • 1 gram of sugar
  • low fat
  • low carb
Post ops, who're dealing with limited stomach capacity need the most bang for their buck. Let's look at some math here.

Premier has 30 grams of protein in 11 ozs of liquid.
MM has 25 grams of protein in 14 ozs of liquid.
AA has 15 grams of protein in 11 ozs of liquid

So you take the grams of protein, multiply it by the exponential goodness of CAKE (everything in life as to do with cake), divide it my the numbers of times I have told you I'm lazy and inefficient minus the number of pairs of shoes in my closet, then divide by the inverse of the cube root of my fabulousness and you get something that looks like this.

Premier 2.72 grams of protein per oz    
MM 1.78 grams of protein per oz
AA 1.36 grams of protein per oz.

Premier is the protein champ and packs in a ton of protein in a really small package. You would have to drink 2 of the AA shakes to get the amount of protein found in one Premier Shake.

Anyway I'm going to wrap this up by telling you that I would gladly drink any of their shakes. I support their products and I support who they are as a company. They were the only company to support me in the Walk From Obesity and that really says something. In addition to that, they have top notch customer service, so should you have problems with any shakes, send them an email and let them know. FYI, they're not paying me one cent for anything I have written here although I am not above taking envelopes in clandestine meetings in seedy places . I'm just showing some love to the Premier Protein peeps for the love they've shown me.

Image Source

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Pills and Shrinkage

   How are yall doing out there this fine and lovely Thursday? My noncompliant ass (we'll get more to that in just a second) is sitting around the house not doing much of anything. In fact that's pretty much been my week. Wake up, browse the web, clean the house, browse the web some more, check craigslists to see if there are are any errands boy for sale, lay back down, take my Pirin tablets, and browse the web some more. I did find  a shaman on CL offering his onion blessing ceremony for dirt cheap.

Why, oh why, have I allowed my acid reflux to get out of hand? I guess that I was hoping that I was "cured" and didn't have to take my medicine anymore. It's stupid, I know, but a girl can wish. Because of my imaginary curedness, I didn't go buy any of my heavy duty ppi's and was just taking h2 blockers. Um, wrong answer, bitch. I was popping those h2 blockers multiple times a day and you're only supposed to take them twice. The kick in my ass that made me realize I needed to stop playing was when I popped that Zantac and not even an hour later my innards were burning like the panties on a meth prostitute. I wasn't sure if I needed a penicillin shot right in my throaK or Prevacid. Needless to say, I'm gonna make sure that I rein this throat burning terror back in.

I'm still losing weight. I've lost 5 lbs since I can back from Nola and I'm not quite sure how. I've not been to the gym, lifted one weight, counted one stitch of anything I put in my mouth...It's baffling.  Five pounds used to not seem like a lot, but it's a big freaking deal at the weight I am now.
I've actually hit yet another new all time low. I count the weight that I lost on two weeks of Optifast before surgery cause I certainly earned that weight loss, so with that and surgery, I've lost just a smidge over 157 pounds. God, that's a lot of weight!

I don't know what else to say.

Image: ddpavumba /

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Charges and Chirruns

   It's been a while since I've blogged and I hope that you guys don't feel neglected. I've still got a touch of the nojo and there are a lot of things swirling on around me. Some are good, some are neutral, some are horrible, some are new, some are ongoing but it's just life. I am proud to say that I am doing incredibly well with my weight, though.

Let's just get the horrible out of the way. My best friend/sister, Headlights, is in the middle of a life altering health crisis and I've been spending lots of time at doctor's appointments and I will be doing so for the foreseeable future. That's all I care to speak on the matter.

The good? I've been working on these new connections that I made at the Obesity Help conference in Nola, and in addition to that, I'm supposed to be revamping my blog. The truth of it is I am absolutely petrified into inaction. I am so flummoxed by the number of design choices that it makes me just stop after about 15 minutes. Anybody with design expertise care to help?

Here is the biggest thing going on in my life. The enormously, enormous, enormity is my new charge. Charge? "What kind of charge?" you ask. Well, lets look at the possibilities.

Maybe you're thinking I finally kidnapped that Ethiopian woman I've been stalking. Never having to leave my house for Ethiopian food again is worth having to pee in a cup at a probation office and registering as an offender.

Petty larceny? Possibly ...FYI- Obesity Help, don't count the tshirts that you have left over from the Nola event and don't check Ebay. Word on the street is there are some bedazzled shirts on the market with your logo being sold by WinningWoman for 49.99 a pop. Don't check. I told you. Ignorance is bliss.

Maybe my bad habit of snatching cupcakes from strangers finally caught up with me. I'm like the best NYC purse bandit you've ever seen, except it's cupcakes instead of Coach bags.

Shockingly enough, my miscreant lifestyle hasn't caught up with me. The charge to which I am referring, is in the most British of charges...a new freaking kid!!! I am the "in loco parentis" with guardianship rights equal to a parent. Haha...loco...I think I switched the language from Latin to Spanish.

Her guardian is a brother to me and when he asked if I would keep her if he got deployed to Afghanistan, there wasn't even any hesitation on my part. He got the orders and I got a 12 year old daughter for the school year, Missy.

My life has radically changed in the past 6 weeks, but you know what? I already cannot imagine her not being here. I have far less time to sit around on my ass, but I don't want to. Having a 12 year old girl in the house, makes me want to be a better woman. I need to model myself in a manner that I would be happy for her to emulate. I'm neater, more prompt, more domestic, more patient.. I actually didn't know that these qualities were in me, but they've surfaced with no resistance. Hmm. Who knew?

Anyway, I was just giving you guys a heads up as to what's going on in my life and why I haven't been around as much. Once I get settled into our new routine, hopefully you'll be seeing more of me :)
Random pic The Kid took

Oh yeah, I'm having a fan appreciation giveaway on the Waning Woman FB fan page, so comment on the thread for your chance to enter. You can comment on yesterdays thread and Friday's, too if you want.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Awards, Voting and The Blah's

  So, I'm not feeling all that good in my body right now. I feel sluggish, fat and bloated, and gross. There is no other way to describe it. I've been a little "off" since my whirlwind trip to Nola and Atlanta and I don't know what's taking me so long to get back to normal. I'm stuck on page 10 of "Waning Woman and The Mysterious Case of the Nojo"

For the most part, I'm a daily weigher and that helps keep me on track. It might not work for you, but it does for me, so I don't want to hear shit about it. Yesterday though, I'd made up my mind that I'd gained weight and I just wasn't gonna get on the scale. I just didn't have the headspace to deal with a gain. This morning, I was still equally convinced, but I told myself that I had to face reality. Putting your head in the sand is a sure fire way to end up fat again, so I decided that I couldn't have another ostrich day.
I wasn't nearly as happy as this ostrich.

I stripped bare and tossed my unmentionables on the floor.
I tapped the scale with one foot and waited she coldy flashed her series of dashes at me.
After she zeroed out, I eased one foot onto her.....*wince*....and then the other.
And after what seemed to be an agonizingly long time.......

What the hell??! I actually lost weight!

I didn't gain a stitch of weight in New Orleans and this is my lowest, non fasting weight. I don't understand why what I feel in my body is so disconnected from reality. Why the crazy?

WHY THE CRAZY!!??!! *in my best crazy, cross eyed, NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!!, Ajax flinging, cold cream slathered, Faye Dunaway/Joan Crawford voice*

WHY THE CRAZY??!?!? *in my best mothball smelling, code enforcement calling, STOP PICKING UP MY PECANS ON THE SIDEWALK!!!!, cat lady, spinster voice*

Since I have no answers, maybe you do.

In the middle of typing this, I received word that I was nominated in 3 categories for Diva Taunia's Backstage WLS Awards!!!

Favorite Sleever!
Best WLS friendly recipe for my Crispy Pan Fried Ricotta Cakes!
Overall Best WLS Chick!

Vote for Me. I'm going to shamelessly plug myself. I'm going to buy ad space on some lucky post ops batwings and I'm sure there is at least one of you that will wear a "Vote for Waning Woman" shirt..ala Pedro of course. Is buying commercial time on DWTS overkill? Anywho, I have a conference call with Dubya. I need to brush up on the fine art of election stealing.

Image: anankkml /

Friday, September 16, 2011

Seatbelts and Airplanes

This is short and sweet! I had a great time in New Orleans. I'll tell you more about it on Monday, but I just had to share this pic with you now. I couldn't wait.

my legs look skinny. hmmm.

You see all of that slack in that seatbelt?!

That is WINNING!

I don't really need to say anything else.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Patron and Saints

 So let me tell yall the crazy shit right off the top. I must have pissed off the Patron Saint of the Roads cause my Black ass can't catch a break! I was rear ended on Saturday, and not in the good way. Jesus! Well, maybe I shouldn't say "Jesus". Maybe I shouldn't use any exclamatory statements that involve Judeo-Christian icons.  Jesus was a firebrand and I shouldn't really be on his bad side. I can just hear the way that people talked about Jesus back in the day.
" Ugh, he always up in hurr messin with folks. All we tryin to do is have a good time, drink a little drank, and play these dice and he come runnin up in hurr flippin tables and stuff. He really needs to chill wit all that mess!" I'm done. Stay tuned for next weeks episode of "Pookie and Quinteranetta's New Millennium Bible Interpretations" Anyway....
It was a minor, minor accident. No airbags deployed so we're all good. Just gonna take it to the body shop and let them do what they do.

....16 hours later....

Well, I'm finally back. I dropped my car off, picked up the rental, went to eat lunch with PT, shopped, shopped, and shopped. My clothes were literally falling off of me and I needed some for a special trip. Do you know where I'm going? Do you want to know? ...Hmmmm?...... Yours truly is heading to the Big Easy for the Obesity Help conference!  Did you hear that? If you're there, you will actually get to see my entire face for the low, low price of 24.99. Anyway, you can't call yourself the Queen of all Black People, Wayonce, God's Gift to the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, the Patron Saint of All Things Cake, the Dancing Queen, the..the....the and step up in New Orleans looking a hot ass mess. If you declare that you are indeed the shit, you better be THE shit and not A shit and certainly not AN shit. Soooo I have assembled an Antoine Merriweather approved, 3 snaps in a Z formation, , clutch yo pearls wardrobe Gah-ron-teed (that's my Louisiana accent) to induce the fever. I'm so ready! I hope New Orleans is like a Zatarains' commerical.
...4 hours later....

This has to be the most piecemeal blog entry I've ever composed. I'm so busy washing clothes and all that jazz that I've stopped and started this thing more times than I can count. Oh yeah, both Premier Nutrition and Chike sent me out some stuff, but because of Ramadan I wasn't able to review the products. So in the next few weeks keep your eyeses peeled for these reviews. Oh yeah, a little birdie told me a secret. If you like Vanilla Premier RTD shakes, they will be making a limited, one time run at Costco on Sept. 26th so stock up if you love it. Ha! They're like the McRib of the ready to drink protein world.

Well, its 3:48 so I'm about to finally get off of my bum and get off of this damn computer.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dark Pee and Starter Fluid

The Kid: Ewww.
What's that in the toilet.
Me: It's pee
The Kid: No it's not. It's the wrong color. It's gross

The Kid don't play! It REALLY is a pic of The Kid!
 Wow. First of all, can we discuss how absolutely tactless 4 year olds are? I was in there minding my business and both him AND the dog come busting up in there like some miniaturized, canine SWAT team. I got up to see what he needed and then he pulled out his detective badge and started questioning me about MY pee. After my answer wasn't sufficient enough, his little ass wanted to play forensics and analyze MY pee. This is MY pee. Kid, you don't know anything! Yesterday, you thought Spongebob was saying "A bag of chips" when he was actually saying "Abandon ship". Clearly, I'm the intellect in this thing we call a relationship, son. I'm telling you, this kid and this dog need to climb back into the TV and whatever network cop show they came off of. Cot Damage!

Now that I've moved past my shock and awe of The Kid nypdblueing me, lets address the real issue-Why my pee is neon orange today and smells like starter fluid.
One of my dear friends suggested that I might have a kidney problem. I can absolutely assure you that I do not have a kidney problem. I have a mouth problem. My mouth is going through that whole I-hate-water stage again. The thought of drinking water actually makes me shudder. I do good for a really long time, and the BAM! I am hit with the anti-water spirit. I'm racist against water right about now. I feel like that Grand Wizard of the Wu Klux Klan. It's a problem for me!!!
On top of that, my sleeve capacity is like zero, zilch, nada. Getting my water in is physically tough now. I threw up last night cause I drank too fast for my sleeve. That hasn't happened since I was a newbie

I'm gonna fix this though. Being severely dehydrated is a shaky, heart pounding, anxiety riddled kind of scary that I do not need in my day. I won't let it get to far, but I'm always pushing it when I know that I just need to have a damn drink! Habitual luck pushing IS one of my qualities. Hell, I even have it on my Twitter bio.
So what am I gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do.

Number One- I will not be putting cucumber in my water to make it more palatable. That is an insult to cucumbers everywhere. They could be living their lives gloriously as fried pickles, but instead they're languishing away in the bottom of people's glasses. That's just sad.

Number Two- I read somewhere that drinking hot water from a mug is a great way to fool yourself. No. That's a great way to burn yourself.

Number 3- I will not carry a Nalgene bottle. First off, the name slightly offends me cause it sounds too much like nalgas. Secondly, I need one hand to hold The Kid by the scruff of his neck, one hand to hold my purse, one hand to clutch my pearls when I have my cake daydrean/fantasies,and one hand to hold my parasol (remember I'm a vampire). I am already too many hands down. I can't with the Nalgene bottle. I. Just. Can't.

Can you guys tell me what I can do? You know me. Don't insult my tastes, my sensibilities, or my intelligents...yes, INTELLIGENTS!

Anyway, I'm about to go take this water shot. *shuddering*

Monday, August 29, 2011

Onederland and Wonderland

I've been in Onederland for a while now...months. The day that I reached it, I posted about it in my super, secret, spy group-with pictures!!-but I just didn't feel like blogging about it. It was very exciting, but I guess I didn't want to get too riled up about weighing 199.something. Actually, it was more of me not wanting you guys to get too excited for me only for me to wake up on the other side of 200 the next day. It sounds harsh, but I didn't want to feel like a fraud.

Being under 200 is such a HUGE deal that I didn't want to make an announcement until I was sure that I was done straddling it.


I am in Onederland. 
Hopefully to stay.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Spotlight on You: Shawn K

Today's post is the first in what I hope will become a recurring theme for, Spotlight on You. Shawn Kelley is our inaugural Spoy. I've met her in person and I can honestly say, she genuinely makes me smile and I'm very happy that she is part of my support team. Her story may be not unlike your own and I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.

Shawn's Story
 In 2001 I joined Weight Watchers again with my mom and her best friend.  I tipped the scales at 375.  I wore a 30/32 in both tops and pants and well it was harder to find *cute* clothes for me.  Around this time Carnie Wilson had done her surgery and so I checked out a surgeon that was doing WLS and went to their seminar to see what could be done.  Because I'd been on WW a while, my approval was easy, and on May 13 I had VBG or Vertical Banded Gastroplasty. Keep in mind, this was back in the dark ages of bariatric surgery when Gastric Bypass was very uncommon and the "friend of a friend who died" story was scary.
My recovery from the VBG was not easy.  Laparascopic surgery was in it's infancy, so I had an open procedure. Even so, I went on to lose around 100 pounds after the surgery. I joined a gym, I ate less, but still ate crap.  At the time online support was in its baby steps and I did not want to drive an hour to support group.
  Life went on.  I had heartaches, many of them, and it was like that just took over. I still had some restriction, but not a whole lot. I was eating around my failing tool.  About 4 years afterwards, I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis, but I was also told, my staple line had come undone. That explained my lack of restriction.  I thought about a revision, and I actually was told it was best for me to get one, but mentally I was not in that place to admit defeat and start over again.
Fast forward to 2009 and by this time I had been divorced again, found out I had PCOD ( polycystic ovarian disease) and I needed to lose weight. I was also diagnosed with CEBV or Chronic Epstein Barr Virus. Even in the midst of all of this, I met a wonderful man, and we started talking about having children. This is what made me seriously give revision a second look.
 In January of 2010, I made an appointment with Dr. Kuhn, an insurance approved surgeon who did  revisions. At my appointment I was scared and worried that he was going to chide me for failing my surgery, for my regain and such.  I could not have been more wrong. He listened to me and didn't just see me as a failed statistic. Soon after, and endoscope and an upper GI confirmed what my surgeon already knew; my surgery failed me. In addition to that, it was causing me major problems.
 On March 17, I was approved for my revision to Gastric bypass, and on April 15, I went into surgery scared, excited, and nervous that I would fail again.  This time, though, I was older with realistic goals in mind like living a healthier life, trying to have a family, and just being happy.
 Is this easy?  NO.  I can be lazy and eat things I am not supposed to and I pay for it dearly.  Even now at 16 months out I have to work at it.  I have found my calorie threshold for eating to maintain as well as lose.  I struggle every day.  I am not like most who lose 100 pounds in 6 months, hell it took me over a year to lose 100 pounds.  As I write this I am 1.6 pounds from 199.9 or Onederland.  It is my next goal.  Baby steps.  But I would not trade this for anything.  I can go shopping in *normal* stores and buy clothes.  No longer do I have to buy plus sized clothing from a specialty store.
 Again, this is by no means easy.  Every day I have to make sure I am able to eat foods that will benefit me.  I try to get in my 60 grams of protein, my vitamins, not eat as many carbs, and get in my fluids.  Vitamins for me are the challenge.  And with me having issues with some of my vitamins due to above illnesses it is a challenge, but I would not trade it for anything.  I have gone in yes 10 years from 375 to 201.  At the time of my revision I was 303 doing the Weight Watchers thing again and knowing I needed something better and I had to have help.  There are those of us who cannot do this alone, sometimes you need to have the surgery to help you.  But in the end, even with surgery, it is still up to you how well you use it.  And if you are considering having weight loss surgery, do your research, read everything, do not go by that friends cousin who died story, and most of all find support.  I can say without a doubt, that this time around  am making sure I have support.  I have a wonderful network of support not only near but even far away and for that I would do this all over again.
Wow! Just wow!
Sometimes, surgeries can fail. If a hammer breaks when you're using it, would you blame yourself? None of us would, but with matters of weight loss surgery, often we aren't so kind to ourselves. Shawn's story is one of acceptance, learning not to beat yourself up when the hammer breaks, and having a support team around you.
You can learn more about Shawn's story and her continued progress on her blog, Tatgrl or her FB Fan page.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Biographies and Experience

  Would you like to be featured in a blog post on

If you're a post op and would like to share your experience please email me at waningwoman at and let me know.
If you're in the middle of your journey, you can still offer valuable experience and knowledge.
Even if you're surgery experience isn't golden, I want to hear from you too. We all  have stories and we all need to be heard. Open to ALL surgery types.

I'm so freaking excited about this thing!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

My first guest post! Vampirism and Zebra Print

My first guest post is live over at Beautiful Spit Up. I'm sitting at The Cool Kids' Table :)

You will finally understand the meaning of those Danvers worthy pics from yesterday.  All of you guys head over there to check it out and tell me what you think. I look forward to hearing your comments.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Booze and Cupcakes

Wordless Wednesday: WTF?!?! edition

Tomorrow I will be doing a guest post with Eve over at Beautiful Spit Up and this is just a sneak peek of the crazy. Make sure that you tune in tomorrow

You vant to make fuck?



Monday, August 15, 2011

Presurgery fears and Questions

How are you guys today? I'm laying in bed slightly dehydrated and certain I'm a little backed up. WOOO!! The beauty of fasting!
Yesterday, I got an email from somebody who has been torn about the decision to have or not have surgery for a long, long time. I answered her as honestly as I could, and asked her permission to post about it today. It has been slightly edited for clarity and privacy.

 Hi my name is Suzy Q and I am having a lot of trouble coming to a final decision about having the sleeve. I currently weigh 241 lbs at 5 ft 2 and  I have high blood pressure, pre diabetes , fatty liver, sleep apnea and knee and hip problems.The list goes on and on.
I also have asthma and severe gastric reflux, and my gastroenterologist is worried about me getting surgery because he says it will compound my problems. On the other hand the bariatric doctor thinks that it will all be ok and there won't be a problem. This is just one reason I've been undecided. My depression and my fear of breaking up my relationship with food doesn't help me either.
I have been running away from surgery for the past 4 years. I was scheduled to have it last year and as the surgery date approached, I got so scared that I chickened out. I thought I could do it on my own and like always, I failed.
What is your experience with the sleeve. Do you have any regrets?
Your blogs are a true inspiration. God bless you and thank you for whatever help.

Dear Suzy Q,
I think that with the problems that you already have it would be in your benefit to strongly consider surgery. With the weight loss that follows surgery, there is a very good chance that your blood pressure, hip and knee problems, blood sugar problems, sleep apnea, etc all of those problems will be resolved. With your gastric reflux it could get better, worse, or stay the same, but for me that would be a gamble I would be willing to make. I never had reflux before surgery, but I have acid reflux now. Taking a ppi is a small tradeoff for the life that I have now.
I don't regret getting the sleeve for one minute. I was a miserable 350+ pound mess,and while I didn't have any major health problems, I'm sure that they were right around the corner. My liver enzymes were elevated and my bp was beginning to creep up. It was coming.
In the first 4 to 6 weeks you will probably have buyer's remorse and second guess yourself a lot. I had a lot difficulty getting in water and that caused a problem for me. Lots of people with bariatric surgery go through the same thing, though. Trust me when I tell you that it WILL get easier after the first 4-6 weeks. Just focus on staying hydrated and you will stay on top of a lot of problems.
You WILL have days that you miss your old friend, food. There are days that I get pissed cause I get full too fast and I want just one more bite. You will have those days too. But I surround myself with a really great support team, both real life and online and it helps so much. I'm a better wife, a mother, I'm happier, more fun. For me, life is so much better on this side. I would do it again in a second.
I'm 18 months out from surgery and I'm still managing to lose. There are several long term sleevers (3+ years) on Facebook and they're doing well, too.
So instead of asking yourself  "what if it won't work", ask yourself  "what if it does!"

If its ok with you, I'd like to post this letter on my blog and see what some people have to add. I will never use your name, pinky swear, right hand to God. However you answer is ok with me. You can email me or contact me anytime. That's why I'm here :)

So, do you guys have any suggestions or anything to offer Suzy Q?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Physical and Emotional Feelings

there's about to be some weepin and a'wailin
There has been a lot of crazy in the last 24 hours, and were it not for this fast, I'm sure that there would have been some cupcake's familes in upheaval cause I ate their grandaddies or mamas or aunties. That wouldn't be good, cause then the leftovers in the cupcake clan would be all weepy and phlegmy. Crying cupcakes don't make for good cupcakes because the tears make them all soggy and salty and the phlegm makes them just fucking nasty. It is best to just just mass murdalize the whole family and take them all out of their misery
Cupcake death could end up being my own death by cupcake though. My stomach is a terrible mess right now, part queasy, part crampy and shoving cupcakes down my gullet would probably spell disaster. Assplosion and projectile vomiting are activities that are frowned upon in the Waning Woman household. If they're not frowned upon in yours, then you must have been raised in some freaky fetish commune on the outskirts of San Fransisco.
I think about food AAALL day long, and then when itf finally is time to eat, I have food apathy or I can barely get anything in. Soooo on top of potentially dying from body function related death from my body forcibly evicting food from my body, if i do manage to keep it it down, my sleeve capacity is damn near zero...zilch...nada. Serious restriciton. The other day I had a small, small bowl of soup and I was so full, it was hours before I could have water. That hasn't happened to me since I was a postop newbie. That's one reason that I can't/won't break my fast

No matter how tempting it would be to stuff my feelings with food, I just can't. Were this not Ramadan and just another Wednesday in another month and I had the same of foundation shaking crazy that I've got going on now. I would have cracked like a plumber made out of glass who was hitting the hooter with Whitney Houston and fell off of the same wall that Humpty was sitting on. That's a lot of crack! 
It's easy to say that the most important person in your life is you, but how many times have you let yourself down? Lied to yourself? I'm leaning on and drawing strength from something that I can't let down.
Fasting is bigger than myself.
No, let me edit that.
Fasting for the right reasons is bigger than myself.
Fasting for the right reasons gives me the willpower to fight myself.

img source

Monday, August 8, 2011

Fasting and Ramadan

I've had an interesting week. Today marks the first full week of Ramadan and somehow, even with my altered anatomy, I've managed to make it through without collapsing in a dessicated, hypogylcemic heap of stinky breath, dry skin flakes, hunger pangs and stilettos. Shoes are always
important whether its Ramadan, Lent, Yom Kippur, or National Cake Day.

Traditionally you have no food or water from sunrise to sunset. The problem is, my sleeve will not allow me to get in enough water during those hours for me to not be dehydrated. Ramadan is a time of reflection and enlightenment, not one of ambulance rides and frantic 911 calls. I trust that he doesn't want me to end up in a hospital getting an iv from what would hopefully be a very hot, male nurse. He just doesn't want that, and there is no way that you can make me believe that he does. Besides, when the prescription of fasting was given, there was NO SUCH THING as a person who was so fat that they had to get most of their stomach removed just to live. That simply did not exist. He wants us to think. I think the I need water during the day.

I am not a Muslim, but I respect Muhammad as a true prophet of God and I think that fasting, when done with the right intentions, can be very beneficial. Besides, there can,t be anything wrong with it if all three of the biggest religions prescribe it. I found this as I was doing a little research for this post

The benefit of Ramadan does not have to be limited solely to those who declare themselves to be Muslims, the principles can bring good to anyone who would follow these divine dictates. Ramadan makes allowances for the sick and those who are on a journey, so those who suffer from ailments can make wise choices and still follow what Allah (God) has ordained.
So that is why my pork chop eating, margarita drinking, Church of Christ raised, pig tail cooking, self does it.

Well, I was gonna blog a little bit more about how I have been feeling physically, but that will just have to wait until tomorrow. I did something to my keyboard and now stuff is in all of the wrong places so i gotta figure it out.There is only so many times you will accept a comma as an apostrophe.
Photo Credit: maple /

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Size 10 shorts and Pics

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, that's a 10!

And yes, that's me in them!
My Wonder Woman legs (thanks, Tee) don't really let me get much smaller than this. Anything smaller than this is uncharted territory. This is just the BESTEST!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Budget Protein and Cheap Eats

I ate his penis with some fava beans and a nice Chianti
"OMG! Are you eating dicks!!!" PT exclaimed as he looked at the mystery meat in the bowl on the counter.
I cast him a side eye and keep chopping garlic and cilantro, casually throwing it into the bowl. I just ignored him and continued on the task at at hand.
"No, seriously," he implored, "WHAT IS THAT?!"
The longer he looked a this collaboration of Catherine Kieu Becker and Lorena Bobbit's greatest hits, the more his apprehension and discomfort grew. Chuckling under my breathe, I looked at him and said, "They're cow dicks, bro. Dicks from baby angel cows."

After that answer, he gave me a look that should only be reserved for people who have stolen something from you. Well, now that I think about it, I kinda did steal his something. I don't know how to qualify it, but you show a man a bowlful of something that he thinks is dicks, you've taken something away from him.
Anyway, what's actually in the bowl is a little less "The First 48" than it appears. They're pig tails!

I've been going to ethnic grocers ( Mexican, Middle Eastern) for a while because I love to try new foods and flavors. One huge upside to going to these types of grocery stores is that their meat and produce is more often than not priced way below what you find at your average neighborhood supermarket. They have real butchers and not just prepackaged stuff that arrives in on trucks so you can find lots of cuts; some you may never even actually laid eyes on. Like these pig tails!
Our family, like many, many others has a pretty tight food budget. I mean "tight like my presurgery pants" tight. I was talking to Blackberry Mama the other day about this same thing. For my family, I've decide that I'm going to eat the stuff that isn't as shiny and pretty; the stuff that nourished my ancestors and carried them through times of hardship. I love a ribeye like nobody's business, but honestly they aren't that hard to do well. How many of you can say that you made pigtails and it was an otherworldly experience? I can. At 1.69 a lb, that meal left the 10.99 ribeye battered and bruised.
While the price point is a definitive selling point, eating tails, and feet, and other not so pretty things makes me feel connected.
Connected to the earth, the animal
Connected to the immigrants and slaves that took the scraps that were given to them and survived
Connected to my family. Cooking is an extension of my love.

They turned out really good, and I may post a recipe for them in the near future.  I DO know that WHOLE, HEALTHY budget meal ideas will be a recurring guest on my blog. I just got 5lbs of cabbage for a dollar, so its gonna be fun. I hope PT feels like being my guinea pig.

Image: graur razvan ionut /

Sunday, July 31, 2011

If this works...

....that means that I've found a temporary workaround to the problem that I've been having with Blogger all week. I cannot preview or publish posts! Ugh this has been beyond frustrating. Being unable to blog for an entire week is just not something I'm ok with. I wasn't locked up for grand theft cake or indecent exposure, I wasn't hospitalized for Ethiopian food overdose so not blogging for a week in un accepti-FUCKING-ble. That words doesn't exactly roll off of the tongue does it? Anyway, I'm gonna be tired of this workaround solution PDQ, so if blogger can't do something to fix this HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM, I'm gonna hafta bite the bullet and take my work somewhere else. Its all I can do. This week has been one huge, fubar, clusterfuck with a case of crabs on the side...bloggingwise anyway.Lifewise? I've had some really big things happen and I want to share them with you guys, but Blogger won't let me be great.

Why is that Blogger?

Anyway, I'm gonna keep investigating ways to fix this shit.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Retirement Parties and Sleeve Love

Pay no mind to the brownie mix!

I was pretty busy last week. My mom had a retirement luncheon back in my hometown so I had to make my way back for that. For a post op trying to keep her eating game tight, there really isn't much in my parent's house that I can eat. I usually end up buying a lot of stuff while I'm there, but this past trip Mrs. Lazyandinefficient was actually proactive. I packed some stuff! I must say I am very proud of myself. Although
I didn't end up using any of the stuff that I packed, it's still a big step. It's far better to be prepared and not need it, than it is to need it and not be prepared. Somebody buy me a cupcake!

My little sister and I always paint the town various shades of red when I go back home. This last time was no exception. Your girl Wayonce was in the building and when I say I killed it, I murdalized it. I danced like my life depended on it....I danced like God was gonna stop making cupcakes if I missed a beat....I danced like Ethiopian food would go extinct if my feet stopped moving. I went hard like priapism and concrete boots, and when the dust settled 30 minutes later, my shirt was completely soaked...and it was cotton too. It was actually kinda gross, but I didn't care because I was having fun. That has been one of the best parts of losing weight-being able to peel back all of layers and find the me that was always hiding under there.Getting to the center of this Tootsie Pop has been an adventure to say the least.
I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I was not a happy fat! (it is a little sugar coated if I'm comparing myself to a Tootsie Pop) I think that most people who say that they are fat and happy are lying to themselves or just don't know any better because they've never felt what it's like on this side. I was tired and achy and miserable and sluggish. Life then wasn't all bad, but life is certainly better on this side. Gosh darnit, this is turning into a roses and rainbows, gay unicorn, sparkles and sequins kinda post. I'm really having an iHeartMySleeve kinda moment. I'm not going to apologize for it, damn it! This is how I'm feeling today, so that's all that matters. The Gastric Sleeve has brought about some incredibly positive changes in my life.

I heart my sleeve.
I puffy heart my sleeve.
I puffy heart with glitter heart my sleeve.
I puffy heart with glitter made out of fondant on top of a cupcake heart my sleeve.
I puffy heart with glitter made out of fondant on top of a cupcake that I ate and is now in mah belly my heart my sleeve.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Money Woes and Lawyers

Seeking Rich Person:. Age unimportant, sex unimportant, mobility unimportant. Looks? Definitely unimportant.

You could look like a bearded, 3 toed, crested, moosegoatsalamander who's just ending their day shift at the Freaks and Oddities side show.
You could look like a Puerto Rican chupacabra a few days off of a goat blood bender.
You could even look like THIS!
I just need for you to send me money! In exchange I will keep penning faboosh blog posts for your enjoyment and I will send you an autographed picture of my other eye. Now that I don't think about it, you don't even have to be rich. Just send me 85 percent of your take home pay.
Thanks, BBGCdancingQueen1511DFW

I'm not sure if that will fly on, but I figure its worth a try. What do you think?

For those of you that haven't been around here very long, I was in two car accidents in a very short period of time. Neither was my fault as I actually had a green light both times. Well, I've been waiting on the first settlement, patiently I might add, and waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Exhausted with not hearing anything, I finally called this morning. To make a long story short the amount of money that Allstate is offering isn't going to leave me much of anything.About the only way I can come out of this with something is to leave some bills unpaid. Sigh. Between the overbilling, Allstate's spectacularly shiteous offer, and the lawyers fees there isn't much left for me. Fortunately, the firm WILL NOT take home more than I will, so that's a huge plus. I was counting on that money to get some important things that I've been putting off for while- eye exam, new glasses, probation fees from that Duff Goldman stalking case. On top of that, I was planning on going to NYC with a chunk of it. Ugh.
Well, sitting here blogging about is making me feel a little bit better. The desire to murdalize people is waning (plural cause Wells Fargo pissed me off, too) so I'm gonna channel this energy and use it for good. Off to procure some vittles for dinner.

Image: Salvatore Vuono /

Friday, July 15, 2011

Random thoughts and Stilettos

Hello ladies and gents. I'm sitting here at my computer desk trying to figure out where this blog entry is going to take me today. I've got a lot on my mind, but I'm still not over the The Mysterious Case of Nojo. Nojo makes it kinda hard to formulate my thoughts and because you probably already look at your computer screen and scratch your head when reading my stuff, I don't want to confound you an further than need be. Confusteration doesn't inspire confidence...whatever THAT means. I just like the way it sounds.

I managed to peel myself out of bed and go to the gym today. Normally, I hit up this hybrid stair stepper/elliptical, but my legs are still reeling from the squats I did the other day and I knew that would have been just a wee bit too much. I hit the track instead, and as I was walking I got to thinking about the Walk From Obesity in which I will be participating (AND I NEED MORE DONATIONS since you asked and all!!!)
Do I need to train for a 3 mile walk? I don't think its too far to walk, but I don't know. I'm fairly sure that I could walk three miles, but I hope the people I'm walking with don't be going all fast and stuff. lol. I'm serious. Unless there is a 3 tiered cake for the winner, I am taking my sweet time..... Now I'm thinking about CAAAKE! I would elbow children and senior citizens with no shame if the first prize was a cake. Knock em down like bowling pins and keep it moving!! I would tell y'all about the time that the thing happened to that one kid who ate my cake, but I'm pleading the 5th. You will not see my headless mugshot on Nancy Grace. No siree! But with this being the Walk FROM Obesity and not "towards", there ain't gonna be no cake.And if they do have a cake, the cake will be lie. Anyway, I think that it will be safe for all chirruns and old folks to come out that day.

These shoes are fiyah!
Now that I'm 83.699% sure that I can walk 3 miles. I need to know if I can walk 3 miles in heels. Now I can do all kinds of things in heels. I'm a triple OG on the stiletto, so bad I can skate on heels! What you know about that? I can do 50+ things in my heels and I have at least 6 people who can vouch for me. There are several drunks, a few bartenders, a guy in a plaid shirt, and one woman of ill repute( I think she was a woman. She was rather hirsute) who can also testify to my skillz with tha heelz, but these aforementioned 6 are morally upright citizens (HA!), so their words carry a little weight. Anyway, here's a picture of my rocking some heels that I WON'T be walking three miles in. They're cute, but that's about all they are.
My parents will be here soon, so I gotta get up off of my bum and be the productive wife and citizen that they are so proud of.

Waning Woman is sponsored by North Texas Bariatrics


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