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Monday, January 10, 2011

VSG surgery Bras and properties

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Right now I'm sitting her drinking my Premier protein shake sitting in a house that's a bit too cold for my liking. I could put on some pants, but then if I did that I'd be missing on out the one great thing about hammering out a blog post from the privacy of my own home-being in whatever state of nakedness I like! Naked blogging for the win!

Well, I was gonna tell you guys that I hadn't pooped in daaaays, but shortly after I typed " Naked blogging for the win!" the call of doody duty was heralded in by a twinge in my booty. I wasn't constipated, I guess its just what my body wanted to do. Whew. I was starting to get a little bit worried.

I've had a few people ask me if my boobs are done.  Um, no honey! That requires money, lettuce, green, benjamins and we still have a car in the driveway that has pneumonia of the transmission. I am not opposed to getting my boobs done so if there are any generous benefactors out there keep that in mind. I also like linzer cookies, gift cards to Le Madeleine, CAAAAAAKE, custom made wigs crafted of hair snatched from the scalps of 5 year old Indonesian boys( move over Beyonce), hooker boots ( move over more Beyonce), and Yeti fur vests ( to the left, bitch!!!). This is list is NOT exhaustive. I digress, back to boobs.

My boobs kinda suck. Post pregnancy PLUS post breastfeeding PLUS post wls and you have a pair of boobs that are way past their prime. I have what I have deemed liquiboobs. They just kinda go where they want. One of the properties of a liquid, taken from Waning Woman's book of pseudoscientifical knowledge, is that it will always seek out the lowest point in a container. That sucks. That means that without a bra or other suitable boob holster, they will pretty much look like this.( upper left corner)
The look of terror on dude's face is from being attacked by a green, disembodied, water balloon, titty.

Another property of a liquid is that it has a definite volume but no definite shape and will take the shape of whatever container its in. That's actually really good news! It means that you can take your boobs to places they've never been before. You can coax them into cones, squeeze them into squares, try them as triangles, do em up as dodecahedrons.  A pert maiden boob with its nose in the air arrogantly defying gravity CAN'T DO THAT!!! Should your heart so desire, you could pour your liquiboobs into an ice tray and freeze them! The possibilities are only as limited as your imagination, people.

Well, imagine me whipping up a pot of homemade chicken and dumplings cause that's just what I am about to do. Besides, this post is turning into a novella, so I will have to bring the madness another day. Don't go anywhere y'all :)

ttyl

12 comments:

  1. chick, you straight crack my ish UP!

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  2. PS- A couple months out, I had serious potty probs. I never blogged about it, but it was like, a giving birth to a Toyota Tundra, seeing stars, bleeding profusely, shaking and crying, ER-visit NIGHTMARE. I was in labor for 2 days! Lessons I learned:
    1)Milk of Magnesia tastes exactly like what you're trying to expel, mixed with chalkdust and mint ABC gum.
    2)laxative suppositories just make a mess in yo' drawers.
    3)a spoonfull of sugar...errrr, Miralax in your beverage of choice every few days is flavorless, odorless, and invisible, and works much more comfortably
    4)a daily helping of deliciously yummtastic fiber gummies by VitaFusion has nixed any problem whatsoever.
    OH and on another note... my goodies are gross now too. and I've never even had kids. they're like a strecthed-out prophylactic with water in it. like, all skin & no fat. so If you find a benefcator, and they have some cha-ching left over, send 'em To the left, to the left all the way over to Cali, Cali to hook me up!

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  3. Sherry, thank you so much for that PS comment. lol. It really put a little hilarity in my evening.

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  4. i feel ya - i am almost 50 pounds down and my boobs ook like the old grandma cartoon in playboy.... so, if i ever do get a boob job it will be to put them back where they belowng

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  5. Liquiboobs-yep that word describes em perfectly.

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  6. Girl I just love you even more!!!!

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  7. How WEIRD!

    We are twins separated at birth except Im old ( but we wont get into that)!

    I downloaded that very photo for use in my blog SOME DAY the other night cause it was cool as cat shit! AND Im making chicken and dumplins because its my kids favorite meal and they are all going to be together this week.

    About these Liqui-boobs....I think you should hush because those of us with slightly more.....mature.........and SMALLER cleavatures have even uglier issues---imagine a skin covered tear drop----yeah its just that good.

    I think you are a real gift to us humans...but put some pants on

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  8. OMGosh, thanks for the smile today!

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  9. LOL! too funny, WW. Makes me wonder what physiological abnormalities I'll get to deal with over the next few months...

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  10. Christal...a skin covered tear drop. Y'all are killing me! I was a 54ddd. I don't know what I am now, but it aint nothing nice. I look like I got wings on my chest. take a minute to imagine that!

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  11. LMAO You crack me up! I love your blog!

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  12. @Angel I was in the G to H cup range. I'm relieved that I have a normal cup size now. I'm totally laughing about the wings comment. lol

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