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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

VSG surgery Pizza and tired

??7.6

I freaked out when I got on the scale today because I haven't had a swoosh like that in a long time. Usually I get to a low weight and then bounce around for a while. I held my low weight for 3 days and then I woke up with a new all time low today. I even had PT weigh himself to make sure that the scale was right.

My eating yesterday was decent. It started out pretty well with a Premier Protein Shake for breakfast, 2 slices of pizza for lunch, meatballs with salsa for dinner, and a few bites of this and that throughout the day. That's pretty much how I eat most days, and while there are some "better" days and there a "worse" days (with "worse" days winning 2:1) this is what works for me. Eh......*shrug*

Over the weekend, I found out that the CAR WE JUST BOUGHT AND HAVE MADE ONE PAYMENT ON, is a total loss. UUUUUGGHGHGHHHH. I really just wanna die right about now. I've been trying not to let myself think about it because it really is just too much. All down payment money that we put into the car is gone and we'll owe a few more payments on it. We're without a car, carless. There are so many -less things I'd rather be right now. Celluliteless, doghairinthecarpetless, debtless, CARFUCKINGPAYMENTless, fearless.
Fearless, now that is a really good one. I wish I could stand here, PT and I dug in and ready to stand our ground against Life. Defying, denying, deflecting every thing bad that comes our way. My armor, chinked and tarnished, is about to fall apart little by little until there is nothing but a pile of rivets and rust at my feet.
I'm tired of talking to insurance folks.
I'm tired of stressing about how PT is gonna get to work.
I'm tired of getting into accidents.
I'm tired of physical therapy.
I'm tired of The Thing of Which I Will Not Speak.
I'm tired of my son being gone.
I'm just tired.

I want somebody else to worry for me, but that's just not how life works. Wishing impossible things before breakfast only works if your name is Alice you're friends with a phase shifting cat.

Well, I'm gonna get in my ghetto/juryrigged/pseudo/backwoods/faux snuggie and get back into bed.
Its not a Snuggie. Its a Quggie- an old ass quilt











6 comments:

  1. You poor thing. I am so sorry things are so rough. But the weight has to be a little ray of sunshine. Hope things get better for you very soon.

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  2. Ah! I feel your frustration. Don't beat yourself up though - feel it and let it go. A new change is around the corner for you. Big Hug ~ Viel

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  3. Its hard to not want to just throw in the towel and want to give up on everything. That's what scared me so much about this; it just made me want to quit.
    I'm having a hard time processing everything, but I'm still and alive and PT isn't dead so that's a start....right?
    Thanks for being here, especially you Dr. Robinson. You're a new face.

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  4. I <3 you. Just worry about the right now honey. Thats all, the rest is too big.

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  5. It's a snuggie if it works for you. Keep breathing and waking up in the morning. Until it's our time, that's just about the only thing we can control. I'm realizing this more and more each day. It pisses me off, but it's the truth.

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  6. That Quilt is the BIZNESS!!!!
    I remember my grandma made me a quilt for my graduation present and my parents put it in the trunk of their car and the car got stolen....
    Miss you momma....

    ReplyDelete

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