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Saturday, February 19, 2011

VSG surgery: Surgiversary and motivation

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Life is funny. Age is bringing about a certain amount of realization about life and it's a little less gilded than I thought. Youthful naivete has been eroded away by hail storms of health, winds of weariness, maelstroms of muck. Its been said time after time by people far more eloquent than myself, but life is just fucking crazy. Truth is, even though I've been dealing with a lot of crazy, nobody's dead (yet), or homeless, or bankrupt, or starving, or addicted to drugs, or being abused, so I have to be thankful for the little things.
This week has been a whirlwind of the good, the bad, and the less than pretty and I've been swept up in it all this week. I don't really want to go into all of that right now, but its kinda sapped my energy. I've started and stopped at least a few blog entries that are sitting in my draft folder, but they'll probably just linger there in no man's land until I delete them a year from now. Like Miss Nelson, my mojo is missing and I gotta find it. I don't think that its gone forever, it might be visiting one of your blogs. I hope it's visiting. I really hate to think that one of you crept into my bedroom window and kidnapped my mojo, kicking and screaming.

Today is my surgiversary. It was one year ago today that I was wheeled into surgery and had most of my stomach removed so that I could lose weight. I had several motivations for losing weight, but before surgery I used to cry for my son. I didn't want him to have a fat mom.
The summer before I had surgery, The Kid and I were in the front yard when something just made him take off speeding down the sidewalk. His little legs were propelling him faster and faster, and I started after him....but start was all I could do. I tried to go after him, but he got farther and farther away. He was giggling and laughing all the while hurtling towards danger. It felt like I was swimming against a current and I couldn't reach my baby.
what do you think he's watching?
I will never love anything or anyone the way that I love my child and I want to protect him from the world. While I know that my love isn't enough to insulate him from the pains of life, I wish it was. Sometimes my mind will warp ahead to future heartaches and disappointments in The Kid's life, and these inevitabilities will evoke a sense of sadness. I didn't want him to have to suffer the insults and teasing, the cruelty and bullying because he had a fat mom.
I didn't ever want him to be embarrassed to be seen with me.
I didn't ever want to be embarrassed for him.
I didn't ever want my burden to be his.

Yesterday was like a perfect Spring day-bright, blue, breezy. It was far too gorgeous to be in the dingy and dank waiting area that'd been holding The Kid and me hostage, so we went outside.
We leapt over oil slicks.
He chased me around broken down cars.
We played tag in the rubble of whoknowswhat.
We had spark plug throwing contests.
We danced  in the sun and looked at our shadows.
 In the midst of all of this brown, and rust, and ugly, I had one of the most beautiful days.

Of all of the things that this surgery has given me, it has given the opportunity to be the mother that he deserves

8 comments:

  1. Awwwww! Your writing is almost like poetry. I love it.

    Congratulations on your one year surgiversary! And I hope tomorrow, next week, and next month there are better days ahead for you.

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  2. Yeah. That one got me, too. I could see what you were writing. This is a very sweet, touching, important post. Thanks for sharing with us.

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  3. I just had to look at this again.

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  4. To make such a huge life decision as choosing WLS, ultimately we have to have our own reasons that are deeply meaningful to US alone. They have to be big enough to sustain us through everything in our lives that will change and have to be changed if we are to justify having WLS.

    Choosing WLS means you know it's the right choice for you and it's what's necessary for you. No one else's opinion matters; they don't live your life. Choosing WLS means putting everything else aside and focusing on making it WORK---doing what has to be done to squeeze every bit of benefit out of your sacrifice and efforts.

    You have to NEED WLS. You have to believe your life and everything in your future depends on it. That's the only way you will be able to face the challenges and accomplish them.

    The payoff isn't riding roller coasters or shopping in regular stores. It's being able to live the life you choose.

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  5. Keep up the good work. 2 years in!

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