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Sunday, March 13, 2011

VSG surgery Mirrors and Self Esteem

??4.0

Somebody told me that I'd be a lot cuter if I wasn't so conceited. BURN!!! Talk about speaking out of your ass your mind. Everybody has their moments, and I have my fair share of them, but I hardly think that conceited is an everyday term that you'd use to describe yours truly. I am more confident, that is an undeniable fact, but confidence and conceit aren't one in the same. But whatever. Since I am the Queen of all Black People and I can do what I want, I'll just take this pseudo-conceit and turn it into real tantrum throwing narcissism and lop off her damn head. In fact I need a team of drug procuring, dirt burying, yes men, winners and I can really take this thing to the next level.

But I do catch myself checking my reflection in every mirrored surface that I pass. I can see how that could be confused with conceit, but the thoughts in my mind are usually not those of Narcissus. Part of me is still in shock that I'm so ABSOLUTELY THE HOTTEST THING IN THE STATE OF TEXAS different than I was a year ago. I have to keep looking to make sure that all of my progress doesn't just poof and vanish like a dandelion in the wind. I was this size before, but the last time I was this size, I didn't realize just how quickly everything could spiral out of control and I'd be so heavy that I'd need surgery to find myself again.... I was about to say that the smaller I get, the more worried I get, but I don't know if that's really the case. This entire journey of weight loss and self discovery has been very emotionally charged. It really is like a roller coaster-exhilarating and frightening at the same time. But its also other yin and yang, black and white emotions. I feel self assured and doubting, strong and weak, like a brickhouse and like a fat girl still waddling in the muck. Its confusing some days.

But I'm still me.... I think......?

ttyl

9 comments:

  1. Some people are just not going to celebrate, but just hate on you. You are old and new at the same time. You better think you are the hottest thing walking. It's how you feel not who you are. I'm definitely nervous about what changes will take place with me, both physically and mentally. Richelle

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  2. Love this post! Very real. Anyway, I had to make my site private because of the stalkers so if you want to e-mail me your e-mail I will send you an invite as long as you promise not to share. :) mal_777@msn.com

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  3. I am totally getting what you mean when you talk about conceit. It just wasn't until now that I realize, reading your post, that it isn't really conceit at all! It IS shock, and even awe that I look so different than I did last year. Sometimes I even forget I've physically changed and when I run into someone I haven't seen in a while, I wonder what all the fuss is about! Strange.

    I talked about something similar in a recent post too, about how snotty I sound to some people when I say certain things. Like, "I don't eat bread anymore." WLS'ers understand what I mean, but other people don't. Someone suggested I word it as, "I can't eat bread..." but I feel like, can't and don't are two different things. Cuz I CAN eat bread, I just don't WANT to because I don't LIKE how it makes me FEEL. Ya dig?

    You helped to clear up some ish...thanx.

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  4. I'm too sexy for this blog! LOL. I feel you. If I looked like you, I'd be staring in the mirror in awe and amazement, too. For now, I spend a lot of time feeling like I'm on the moon. Walking without pain is totally new for me, so I do it all the time just to see if the pain will come. It doesn't, but I'm glad I always think it will. I'll forever remember what it was like to be back there and always be able to relate to those who still are. Maybe that's the reason for it all.

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  5. Thanks for stopping by to comment, blackberrymama and I can relate to your issue too. Its not about being haughty or better than, but too many people choose to see it that way.

    Angel, you're too sexy for this blog? Guuurl, you're too sexy for life! lol

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  6. You Strutt Your Hot Stuff! I wish I had your confidence. I know what you mean about reflective services. I am always watching myself in them to compare how I look now and where I could still lose more. I am always checking that the new size I'm wearing is fitting me right from every angle and just being facinated by the change in reflection. I say after dealing with what we have, we have a right to be conceited if we want.

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  7. Hey life is short, if you got it FLAUNT it girl! And everyone else can take a flying leap... :-)

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  8. All hail (sp?) the queen!!!! LOL
    Wow, you just keep on hitting on it! I think that before surgery I was so good with personal defense mechanisms that I could have convinced the psychologist that mentally I already felt like I was 175lbs, at least in my head. As most are sure now, I think that the pre-op phsyc evaluation is more a formality than a true true assessment and counseling session because the ups and downs and highs and lows that come now even in just our own self perception are something that I don’t think a 150lb physchologist could even connect to unless they have been there themselves. This thing is wicked!!! Just the other day I had the realization that the big I “thought” I was was only a mere fraction of the big I “actually” was. Just brutal. The positives that continue to happen are things that definitely remind me that I’m cool now. Like today I sat down in that chair you sit in when they take blood from you and fold that arm in front of you and I had to hold myself up so that I wouldn’t slide down through the chair. It was another small victory…

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  9. All of this is crazy! Its the most intense thing I've ever experienced. No amount of preop psych testing can prepare you for any of this.

    Good luck Richelle.

    *waving at Sheila, Raven, and JT*

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