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Monday, May 9, 2011

VSG surgery Bullying and Motivation

??3.6 Lowest weight to date 140.6 lbs lost to date

Last night, Bessie was calling me. I don't know why, maybe she knew I needed some good news that evening, but whatever the case I couldn't get the idea of weighing out of my head. So I stripped bucket naked *in my Bernie Mac voice*, headscarf and all and stepped on her. I NEVER weigh myself at night and I NEVER way myself bucket naked, so I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I did it anyway and was greeted with a number that was smaller than I ever could have expected. It shocked the shit out of me, so I jumped off the scale and then got back on convinced that it was a mistake.
Nope.
Surely this BEST WEIGHT EVER would poof and disappear in a cloud of disappointment and defeated sighs. Surely the Evil Scale Genie would waft up from the scale like some school yard bully taunting and teasing me with a chorus of Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah's. Surely this could not be happening.
But it is. Yesterday and this morning....hmmmm.

MY goal, a goal I've set for myself, is so close. Not a goal based on some chart, or what the surgeon thinks I should weigh, or what anyone else thinks I should weigh, or what you weigh, or what has been extrapolated from the xy intersection of my starting weight divided by the square root of 2b-3ac and my zip code.

Mine.

I've spent far too much of my life trying to conform to something that was never meant for me anyway. I didn't know any better, I thought I had to be that. I thought I had to be that because that's what They said. I didn't know that It was flawed, I thought I was. They told me I was all wrong.

In 6th grade my PE teacher Mrs. Stilley marched the entire class up on stage and made us weigh in one at time front of the everyone. Maybe she didn't know any better, maybe she did, but her motivation is of little consequence now. I know I got up on that scale and I was the biggest kid in the class

140lbs.
Elementary school in Anytown, USA
I will never forget how I felt that day
I will never forget the way I was belittled.
I will never forget how I felt that everything with my body was wrong.

When I see that picture of 6th grade me, I feel for that little girl. She was taller than the other kids, cute as hell, and nowhere near fat. But she thought she was. She felt too tall, too big, too fat, too smart, too Black, too different. I want to grab her and shake the shit out of her and tell her "You're okay just the way you are!!" And I need for her to hear Me and not They.....not Them. She has to listen to Me because she is Me. But how many times even now do I not listen to myself?

I'm listening to myself today-tomorrow I can't guarantee.
Today I am okay with being just the way that I am.

18 comments:

  1. Apparently its your turn to make me cry. If only we could go back and let the younger us know that we should be happy the way we were. I am soooo happy for you girl. Congrats on your success too. You ARE beautiful the way YOU ARE!

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  2. My PE teacher did the exact same thing. Even the other fat kids picked on me. Sometimes I still am that bullied kid on the inside. Most of the time now though, my internal response to those people is "You are f'ing crazy if you think I'm going to break to feed your self-esteem," and I smile and kill them with kindness.

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  3. How about we line up all the PE teachers and...well...I don't quite know. But they did major damage. I was also the tallest, biggest, grown-woman-lookinest girl-child in the sixth grade. Who NEEDS to climb a stupid rope in real life? That little girl let everyone abuse her. What the gym teacher did to me was just done in the light. Unspeakable things were done in the dark. Who would have known we would make it? Who would have known that we would finally conquer the things that haunted us...the torment, the pain, the quiet screams...Now, Bessie just affirms what you already know. You finally figured out how to take care of you. Finally.

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  4. Seems as though many PE teachers are actually sadistic! Perhaps their is a spcial place in hell just for PE teachers. Dodge Ball hell I believe it would be! ;-)

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  5. This was so beautiful and powerful. No wonder we all love you so much. You are FIERCE

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  6. I was in 8th grade when the PE teacher did it to us. At that point, I had the "perfect" figure -- literally, 36-24-36 -- and I weighed a whopping 127 pounds. The teacher gave me a "certificate" that said I was the "fattest girl in the 8th grade" ... I weighed 127 pounds for God's sake! I'll never in my life forget that day, that moment ... if I could meet up with that ignorant bitch again, I'm afraid I'd slap her for what she did to me -- hell, to all of us -- that day. :(

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  7. First, congratulations on your continued success to meet your weight loss goal! That is awesome!

    Second, give me the name and address of that teacher so I can kick her @$$.

    Seriously, thanks for sharing.....such a touching post.

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  8. @Jenn you are gonna make me cry. Thank you

    @Kelli Wow. You are so strong. There needs to be a little of that in more of us.

    @Angel you know, it something that I never even talked to my mom about. Its just painful. But you're right, we're here and we are doing just fine.

    @Maria I don't know why that is. *shaking my head*

    @Chrissy You just make me smile

    @Kate You were perfection, but she damaged you to the point that you couldn't see it. I'm so glad that I talked about this.

    @MM Thank you. You guys help to keep me going.

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  9. Thanks for sharing that with us WW. You pulled a heartstring for me and motivated me to tell my own story on my blog.

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  10. My PE teacher was Ms. Wells & she looked like the PE instructor in that Scream spoof movie that the Wayans brothers did. Yes. That one.

    I'm proud to know you, all of you. My God we're a blessed group of people & I'm in love with how we get to express ourselves & receive much needed support from our peers. Did u ever imagine a couple years ago that this would be your life?

    Way to go Way.

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  11. @digitarii thank you for being someone I could share it with.

    @bbm the amount of support I've found has been nothing short of amazing. I'm looking forward to see what the next couple of years bring

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  12. I am here because you told me too.

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I can only imagine how you feel as you approach your goal. I know it warmed my heart to read it.

    I'm going to be following you!

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  13. you are an amazing woman. so many times, i have said that i'm here (trying to lose weight and find peace) for my ten-year-old self. so many times i have felt like any success i have now is like giving the child in me a hug, telling her she's ok. that's what i think you're doing now. well done x

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  14. I was 11 and 125lbs at 5'5" and the heaviest girl in the whole grade. They didn't even weigh me in the line up. In from of everyone, the gym teacher said "vanita since you're bigger than the other girls do you want to weigh in private?" i walked out of the gym, the school and went home in the middle of day and didn't leave the house for days, starving myself, trying to be 80 and 90 lbs like the other girls.
    My youngest teen is 13 and 120lbs at 5 feet and she has such a beautiful body and yet she swears she's fat because the other girls are so skinny. No matter what I say, she doesn't believe me cause I'm mom and I'm "suppose to say that".
    thank you for this post, it reminds me i'm not alone.

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  15. I wish that little girls could know what being "not-skinny" isn't a sin. It hurts me so much to think about my own struggle and the struggle of so many women.

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  16. Whoa, a year ago we were channeling vibes. In sixth grade, you didn't hate yourself but the world was saying you should. Thank you Jeebus you were smart enough to figure out better!

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  17. You are beautiful and amazing and every day... EVERY DAY I hear YOUR voice in my head "STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!".

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  18. Glad you are revisiting this post! There are two points to talk about here:

    First---To expand on my comment yesterday, consider this shade of difference---We tend to focus on loving ourselves. Instead, become aware that you are being told by society to hate yourself! Like WW, you probably felt just fine about yourself until a biased and judgmental society started pointing out what THEY consider flaws! Turn off that noise! Opt out! Just say NO!

    When it's nice and quiet, then you can think clearly about yourself. Start from a place of your own inner worth, that's your base. Determine your own standards and goals for what makes you happy and what you'd like to change. There is no roadmap for where you want to go until you draw it.

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