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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dark Pee and Starter Fluid

The Kid: Ewww.
What's that in the toilet.
Me: It's pee
The Kid: No it's not. It's the wrong color. It's gross

The Kid don't play! It REALLY is a pic of The Kid!
 Wow. First of all, can we discuss how absolutely tactless 4 year olds are? I was in there minding my business and both him AND the dog come busting up in there like some miniaturized, canine SWAT team. I got up to see what he needed and then he pulled out his detective badge and started questioning me about MY pee. After my answer wasn't sufficient enough, his little ass wanted to play forensics and analyze MY pee. This is MY pee. Kid, you don't know anything! Yesterday, you thought Spongebob was saying "A bag of chips" when he was actually saying "Abandon ship". Clearly, I'm the intellect in this thing we call a relationship, son. I'm telling you, this kid and this dog need to climb back into the TV and whatever network cop show they came off of. Cot Damage!

Now that I've moved past my shock and awe of The Kid nypdblueing me, lets address the real issue-Why my pee is neon orange today and smells like starter fluid.
One of my dear friends suggested that I might have a kidney problem. I can absolutely assure you that I do not have a kidney problem. I have a mouth problem. My mouth is going through that whole I-hate-water stage again. The thought of drinking water actually makes me shudder. I do good for a really long time, and the BAM! I am hit with the anti-water spirit. I'm racist against water right about now. I feel like that Grand Wizard of the Wu Klux Klan. It's a problem for me!!!
On top of that, my sleeve capacity is like zero, zilch, nada. Getting my water in is physically tough now. I threw up last night cause I drank too fast for my sleeve. That hasn't happened since I was a newbie

I'm gonna fix this though. Being severely dehydrated is a shaky, heart pounding, anxiety riddled kind of scary that I do not need in my day. I won't let it get to far, but I'm always pushing it when I know that I just need to have a damn drink! Habitual luck pushing IS one of my qualities. Hell, I even have it on my Twitter bio.
So what am I gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do.

Number One- I will not be putting cucumber in my water to make it more palatable. That is an insult to cucumbers everywhere. They could be living their lives gloriously as fried pickles, but instead they're languishing away in the bottom of people's glasses. That's just sad.

Number Two- I read somewhere that drinking hot water from a mug is a great way to fool yourself. No. That's a great way to burn yourself.

Number 3- I will not carry a Nalgene bottle. First off, the name slightly offends me cause it sounds too much like nalgas. Secondly, I need one hand to hold The Kid by the scruff of his neck, one hand to hold my purse, one hand to clutch my pearls when I have my cake daydrean/fantasies,and one hand to hold my parasol (remember I'm a vampire). I am already too many hands down. I can't with the Nalgene bottle. I. Just. Can't.

Can you guys tell me what I can do? You know me. Don't insult my tastes, my sensibilities, or my intelligents...yes, INTELLIGENTS!

Anyway, I'm about to go take this water shot. *shuddering*

Monday, August 29, 2011

Onederland and Wonderland

I've been in Onederland for a while now...months. The day that I reached it, I posted about it in my super, secret, spy group-with pictures!!-but I just didn't feel like blogging about it. It was very exciting, but I guess I didn't want to get too riled up about weighing 199.something. Actually, it was more of me not wanting you guys to get too excited for me only for me to wake up on the other side of 200 the next day. It sounds harsh, but I didn't want to feel like a fraud.

Being under 200 is such a HUGE deal that I didn't want to make an announcement until I was sure that I was done straddling it.


I am in Onederland. 
Hopefully to stay.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Spotlight on You: Shawn K

Today's post is the first in what I hope will become a recurring theme for, Spotlight on You. Shawn Kelley is our inaugural Spoy. I've met her in person and I can honestly say, she genuinely makes me smile and I'm very happy that she is part of my support team. Her story may be not unlike your own and I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.

Shawn's Story
 In 2001 I joined Weight Watchers again with my mom and her best friend.  I tipped the scales at 375.  I wore a 30/32 in both tops and pants and well it was harder to find *cute* clothes for me.  Around this time Carnie Wilson had done her surgery and so I checked out a surgeon that was doing WLS and went to their seminar to see what could be done.  Because I'd been on WW a while, my approval was easy, and on May 13 I had VBG or Vertical Banded Gastroplasty. Keep in mind, this was back in the dark ages of bariatric surgery when Gastric Bypass was very uncommon and the "friend of a friend who died" story was scary.
My recovery from the VBG was not easy.  Laparascopic surgery was in it's infancy, so I had an open procedure. Even so, I went on to lose around 100 pounds after the surgery. I joined a gym, I ate less, but still ate crap.  At the time online support was in its baby steps and I did not want to drive an hour to support group.
  Life went on.  I had heartaches, many of them, and it was like that just took over. I still had some restriction, but not a whole lot. I was eating around my failing tool.  About 4 years afterwards, I ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis, but I was also told, my staple line had come undone. That explained my lack of restriction.  I thought about a revision, and I actually was told it was best for me to get one, but mentally I was not in that place to admit defeat and start over again.
Fast forward to 2009 and by this time I had been divorced again, found out I had PCOD ( polycystic ovarian disease) and I needed to lose weight. I was also diagnosed with CEBV or Chronic Epstein Barr Virus. Even in the midst of all of this, I met a wonderful man, and we started talking about having children. This is what made me seriously give revision a second look.
 In January of 2010, I made an appointment with Dr. Kuhn, an insurance approved surgeon who did  revisions. At my appointment I was scared and worried that he was going to chide me for failing my surgery, for my regain and such.  I could not have been more wrong. He listened to me and didn't just see me as a failed statistic. Soon after, and endoscope and an upper GI confirmed what my surgeon already knew; my surgery failed me. In addition to that, it was causing me major problems.
 On March 17, I was approved for my revision to Gastric bypass, and on April 15, I went into surgery scared, excited, and nervous that I would fail again.  This time, though, I was older with realistic goals in mind like living a healthier life, trying to have a family, and just being happy.
 Is this easy?  NO.  I can be lazy and eat things I am not supposed to and I pay for it dearly.  Even now at 16 months out I have to work at it.  I have found my calorie threshold for eating to maintain as well as lose.  I struggle every day.  I am not like most who lose 100 pounds in 6 months, hell it took me over a year to lose 100 pounds.  As I write this I am 1.6 pounds from 199.9 or Onederland.  It is my next goal.  Baby steps.  But I would not trade this for anything.  I can go shopping in *normal* stores and buy clothes.  No longer do I have to buy plus sized clothing from a specialty store.
 Again, this is by no means easy.  Every day I have to make sure I am able to eat foods that will benefit me.  I try to get in my 60 grams of protein, my vitamins, not eat as many carbs, and get in my fluids.  Vitamins for me are the challenge.  And with me having issues with some of my vitamins due to above illnesses it is a challenge, but I would not trade it for anything.  I have gone in yes 10 years from 375 to 201.  At the time of my revision I was 303 doing the Weight Watchers thing again and knowing I needed something better and I had to have help.  There are those of us who cannot do this alone, sometimes you need to have the surgery to help you.  But in the end, even with surgery, it is still up to you how well you use it.  And if you are considering having weight loss surgery, do your research, read everything, do not go by that friends cousin who died story, and most of all find support.  I can say without a doubt, that this time around  am making sure I have support.  I have a wonderful network of support not only near but even far away and for that I would do this all over again.
Wow! Just wow!
Sometimes, surgeries can fail. If a hammer breaks when you're using it, would you blame yourself? None of us would, but with matters of weight loss surgery, often we aren't so kind to ourselves. Shawn's story is one of acceptance, learning not to beat yourself up when the hammer breaks, and having a support team around you.
You can learn more about Shawn's story and her continued progress on her blog, Tatgrl or her FB Fan page.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Biographies and Experience

  Would you like to be featured in a blog post on

If you're a post op and would like to share your experience please email me at waningwoman at and let me know.
If you're in the middle of your journey, you can still offer valuable experience and knowledge.
Even if you're surgery experience isn't golden, I want to hear from you too. We all  have stories and we all need to be heard. Open to ALL surgery types.

I'm so freaking excited about this thing!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

My first guest post! Vampirism and Zebra Print

My first guest post is live over at Beautiful Spit Up. I'm sitting at The Cool Kids' Table :)

You will finally understand the meaning of those Danvers worthy pics from yesterday.  All of you guys head over there to check it out and tell me what you think. I look forward to hearing your comments.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Booze and Cupcakes

Wordless Wednesday: WTF?!?! edition

Tomorrow I will be doing a guest post with Eve over at Beautiful Spit Up and this is just a sneak peek of the crazy. Make sure that you tune in tomorrow

You vant to make fuck?



Monday, August 15, 2011

Presurgery fears and Questions

How are you guys today? I'm laying in bed slightly dehydrated and certain I'm a little backed up. WOOO!! The beauty of fasting!
Yesterday, I got an email from somebody who has been torn about the decision to have or not have surgery for a long, long time. I answered her as honestly as I could, and asked her permission to post about it today. It has been slightly edited for clarity and privacy.

 Hi my name is Suzy Q and I am having a lot of trouble coming to a final decision about having the sleeve. I currently weigh 241 lbs at 5 ft 2 and  I have high blood pressure, pre diabetes , fatty liver, sleep apnea and knee and hip problems.The list goes on and on.
I also have asthma and severe gastric reflux, and my gastroenterologist is worried about me getting surgery because he says it will compound my problems. On the other hand the bariatric doctor thinks that it will all be ok and there won't be a problem. This is just one reason I've been undecided. My depression and my fear of breaking up my relationship with food doesn't help me either.
I have been running away from surgery for the past 4 years. I was scheduled to have it last year and as the surgery date approached, I got so scared that I chickened out. I thought I could do it on my own and like always, I failed.
What is your experience with the sleeve. Do you have any regrets?
Your blogs are a true inspiration. God bless you and thank you for whatever help.

Dear Suzy Q,
I think that with the problems that you already have it would be in your benefit to strongly consider surgery. With the weight loss that follows surgery, there is a very good chance that your blood pressure, hip and knee problems, blood sugar problems, sleep apnea, etc all of those problems will be resolved. With your gastric reflux it could get better, worse, or stay the same, but for me that would be a gamble I would be willing to make. I never had reflux before surgery, but I have acid reflux now. Taking a ppi is a small tradeoff for the life that I have now.
I don't regret getting the sleeve for one minute. I was a miserable 350+ pound mess,and while I didn't have any major health problems, I'm sure that they were right around the corner. My liver enzymes were elevated and my bp was beginning to creep up. It was coming.
In the first 4 to 6 weeks you will probably have buyer's remorse and second guess yourself a lot. I had a lot difficulty getting in water and that caused a problem for me. Lots of people with bariatric surgery go through the same thing, though. Trust me when I tell you that it WILL get easier after the first 4-6 weeks. Just focus on staying hydrated and you will stay on top of a lot of problems.
You WILL have days that you miss your old friend, food. There are days that I get pissed cause I get full too fast and I want just one more bite. You will have those days too. But I surround myself with a really great support team, both real life and online and it helps so much. I'm a better wife, a mother, I'm happier, more fun. For me, life is so much better on this side. I would do it again in a second.
I'm 18 months out from surgery and I'm still managing to lose. There are several long term sleevers (3+ years) on Facebook and they're doing well, too.
So instead of asking yourself  "what if it won't work", ask yourself  "what if it does!"

If its ok with you, I'd like to post this letter on my blog and see what some people have to add. I will never use your name, pinky swear, right hand to God. However you answer is ok with me. You can email me or contact me anytime. That's why I'm here :)

So, do you guys have any suggestions or anything to offer Suzy Q?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Physical and Emotional Feelings

there's about to be some weepin and a'wailin
There has been a lot of crazy in the last 24 hours, and were it not for this fast, I'm sure that there would have been some cupcake's familes in upheaval cause I ate their grandaddies or mamas or aunties. That wouldn't be good, cause then the leftovers in the cupcake clan would be all weepy and phlegmy. Crying cupcakes don't make for good cupcakes because the tears make them all soggy and salty and the phlegm makes them just fucking nasty. It is best to just just mass murdalize the whole family and take them all out of their misery
Cupcake death could end up being my own death by cupcake though. My stomach is a terrible mess right now, part queasy, part crampy and shoving cupcakes down my gullet would probably spell disaster. Assplosion and projectile vomiting are activities that are frowned upon in the Waning Woman household. If they're not frowned upon in yours, then you must have been raised in some freaky fetish commune on the outskirts of San Fransisco.
I think about food AAALL day long, and then when itf finally is time to eat, I have food apathy or I can barely get anything in. Soooo on top of potentially dying from body function related death from my body forcibly evicting food from my body, if i do manage to keep it it down, my sleeve capacity is damn near zero...zilch...nada. Serious restriciton. The other day I had a small, small bowl of soup and I was so full, it was hours before I could have water. That hasn't happened to me since I was a postop newbie. That's one reason that I can't/won't break my fast

No matter how tempting it would be to stuff my feelings with food, I just can't. Were this not Ramadan and just another Wednesday in another month and I had the same of foundation shaking crazy that I've got going on now. I would have cracked like a plumber made out of glass who was hitting the hooter with Whitney Houston and fell off of the same wall that Humpty was sitting on. That's a lot of crack! 
It's easy to say that the most important person in your life is you, but how many times have you let yourself down? Lied to yourself? I'm leaning on and drawing strength from something that I can't let down.
Fasting is bigger than myself.
No, let me edit that.
Fasting for the right reasons is bigger than myself.
Fasting for the right reasons gives me the willpower to fight myself.

img source

Monday, August 8, 2011

Fasting and Ramadan

I've had an interesting week. Today marks the first full week of Ramadan and somehow, even with my altered anatomy, I've managed to make it through without collapsing in a dessicated, hypogylcemic heap of stinky breath, dry skin flakes, hunger pangs and stilettos. Shoes are always
important whether its Ramadan, Lent, Yom Kippur, or National Cake Day.

Traditionally you have no food or water from sunrise to sunset. The problem is, my sleeve will not allow me to get in enough water during those hours for me to not be dehydrated. Ramadan is a time of reflection and enlightenment, not one of ambulance rides and frantic 911 calls. I trust that he doesn't want me to end up in a hospital getting an iv from what would hopefully be a very hot, male nurse. He just doesn't want that, and there is no way that you can make me believe that he does. Besides, when the prescription of fasting was given, there was NO SUCH THING as a person who was so fat that they had to get most of their stomach removed just to live. That simply did not exist. He wants us to think. I think the I need water during the day.

I am not a Muslim, but I respect Muhammad as a true prophet of God and I think that fasting, when done with the right intentions, can be very beneficial. Besides, there can,t be anything wrong with it if all three of the biggest religions prescribe it. I found this as I was doing a little research for this post

The benefit of Ramadan does not have to be limited solely to those who declare themselves to be Muslims, the principles can bring good to anyone who would follow these divine dictates. Ramadan makes allowances for the sick and those who are on a journey, so those who suffer from ailments can make wise choices and still follow what Allah (God) has ordained.
So that is why my pork chop eating, margarita drinking, Church of Christ raised, pig tail cooking, self does it.

Well, I was gonna blog a little bit more about how I have been feeling physically, but that will just have to wait until tomorrow. I did something to my keyboard and now stuff is in all of the wrong places so i gotta figure it out.There is only so many times you will accept a comma as an apostrophe.
Photo Credit: maple /

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Size 10 shorts and Pics

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, that's a 10!

And yes, that's me in them!
My Wonder Woman legs (thanks, Tee) don't really let me get much smaller than this. Anything smaller than this is uncharted territory. This is just the BESTEST!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Budget Protein and Cheap Eats

I ate his penis with some fava beans and a nice Chianti
"OMG! Are you eating dicks!!!" PT exclaimed as he looked at the mystery meat in the bowl on the counter.
I cast him a side eye and keep chopping garlic and cilantro, casually throwing it into the bowl. I just ignored him and continued on the task at at hand.
"No, seriously," he implored, "WHAT IS THAT?!"
The longer he looked a this collaboration of Catherine Kieu Becker and Lorena Bobbit's greatest hits, the more his apprehension and discomfort grew. Chuckling under my breathe, I looked at him and said, "They're cow dicks, bro. Dicks from baby angel cows."

After that answer, he gave me a look that should only be reserved for people who have stolen something from you. Well, now that I think about it, I kinda did steal his something. I don't know how to qualify it, but you show a man a bowlful of something that he thinks is dicks, you've taken something away from him.
Anyway, what's actually in the bowl is a little less "The First 48" than it appears. They're pig tails!

I've been going to ethnic grocers ( Mexican, Middle Eastern) for a while because I love to try new foods and flavors. One huge upside to going to these types of grocery stores is that their meat and produce is more often than not priced way below what you find at your average neighborhood supermarket. They have real butchers and not just prepackaged stuff that arrives in on trucks so you can find lots of cuts; some you may never even actually laid eyes on. Like these pig tails!
Our family, like many, many others has a pretty tight food budget. I mean "tight like my presurgery pants" tight. I was talking to Blackberry Mama the other day about this same thing. For my family, I've decide that I'm going to eat the stuff that isn't as shiny and pretty; the stuff that nourished my ancestors and carried them through times of hardship. I love a ribeye like nobody's business, but honestly they aren't that hard to do well. How many of you can say that you made pigtails and it was an otherworldly experience? I can. At 1.69 a lb, that meal left the 10.99 ribeye battered and bruised.
While the price point is a definitive selling point, eating tails, and feet, and other not so pretty things makes me feel connected.
Connected to the earth, the animal
Connected to the immigrants and slaves that took the scraps that were given to them and survived
Connected to my family. Cooking is an extension of my love.

They turned out really good, and I may post a recipe for them in the near future.  I DO know that WHOLE, HEALTHY budget meal ideas will be a recurring guest on my blog. I just got 5lbs of cabbage for a dollar, so its gonna be fun. I hope PT feels like being my guinea pig.

Image: graur razvan ionut /

Waning Woman is sponsored by North Texas Bariatrics


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