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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dark Pee and Starter Fluid

The Kid: Ewww.
What's that in the toilet.
Me: It's pee
The Kid: No it's not. It's the wrong color. It's gross

The Kid don't play! It REALLY is a pic of The Kid!
 Wow. First of all, can we discuss how absolutely tactless 4 year olds are? I was in there minding my business and both him AND the dog come busting up in there like some miniaturized, canine SWAT team. I got up to see what he needed and then he pulled out his detective badge and started questioning me about MY pee. After my answer wasn't sufficient enough, his little ass wanted to play forensics and analyze MY pee. This is MY pee. Kid, you don't know anything! Yesterday, you thought Spongebob was saying "A bag of chips" when he was actually saying "Abandon ship". Clearly, I'm the intellect in this thing we call a relationship, son. I'm telling you, this kid and this dog need to climb back into the TV and whatever network cop show they came off of. Cot Damage!

Now that I've moved past my shock and awe of The Kid nypdblueing me, lets address the real issue-Why my pee is neon orange today and smells like starter fluid.
One of my dear friends suggested that I might have a kidney problem. I can absolutely assure you that I do not have a kidney problem. I have a mouth problem. My mouth is going through that whole I-hate-water stage again. The thought of drinking water actually makes me shudder. I do good for a really long time, and the BAM! I am hit with the anti-water spirit. I'm racist against water right about now. I feel like that Grand Wizard of the Wu Klux Klan. It's a problem for me!!!
On top of that, my sleeve capacity is like zero, zilch, nada. Getting my water in is physically tough now. I threw up last night cause I drank too fast for my sleeve. That hasn't happened since I was a newbie

I'm gonna fix this though. Being severely dehydrated is a shaky, heart pounding, anxiety riddled kind of scary that I do not need in my day. I won't let it get to far, but I'm always pushing it when I know that I just need to have a damn drink! Habitual luck pushing IS one of my qualities. Hell, I even have it on my Twitter bio.
So what am I gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do.

Number One- I will not be putting cucumber in my water to make it more palatable. That is an insult to cucumbers everywhere. They could be living their lives gloriously as fried pickles, but instead they're languishing away in the bottom of people's glasses. That's just sad.

Number Two- I read somewhere that drinking hot water from a mug is a great way to fool yourself. No. That's a great way to burn yourself.

Number 3- I will not carry a Nalgene bottle. First off, the name slightly offends me cause it sounds too much like nalgas. Secondly, I need one hand to hold The Kid by the scruff of his neck, one hand to hold my purse, one hand to clutch my pearls when I have my cake daydrean/fantasies,and one hand to hold my parasol (remember I'm a vampire). I am already too many hands down. I can't with the Nalgene bottle. I. Just. Can't.

Can you guys tell me what I can do? You know me. Don't insult my tastes, my sensibilities, or my intelligents...yes, INTELLIGENTS!

Anyway, I'm about to go take this water shot. *shuddering*


  1. can you do tea? mio drops? ice pops!

  2. I hate to drink water. Period.

    Hydration can come from any source, though water give our renals a break. Having bad kidneys I can tell you right now you better get some fluids in you, I don't care if its crystal light watered down. Water gives us a straight shot of fluid but until you get to that point of being able to choke it down straight, get to stepping on something else---decaf watered down iced tea, watered down crystal light---anything sweet pea.

    The dark color and smell means trouble is in town and its rust colored next which means doctor and antibiotics. Take your pick.

    I love you, I want you healthy because you must make me laugh and think for ever.

  3. Bahaha...this actually made me Lol. I hate water too...I try crystal lite but eventually it grosses me out. I do sf Kool aid...same thing. Dammit!!

  4. Another great post! So very funny! Go hit up sonic in your area. Get a diet sprite and have them put some of that flavored good stuff in it. It comes in giant cups so that's 44 oz right there.


  5. LOL @ insulting cucumbers everywhere...actually LOL @ everything. 'Cept the fact that you are in a closet of water-hating darkness. True Lemon and True Lime are my standbys, next to Crystal Lite (I favor the Pure kind) and Mio (which I don't do much of, but DH loves.) But, and this is just a wild guess, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Hang in there chickee!

  6. Don't ask me how I know this, but neon urine can indicate a B complex own urine is sometimes this color... have your labs drawn sooner rather than later.

  7. ugh I hate water too... I just throw in lemon juice and go for it.

  8. Dark color urine will also lead to kidney stones, and you do not want any of those.

  9. @vsgmom All this time fasting and I completely forgot about popsicles. Thanks

    @chrissy Yes ma'am. Truly my pee hasn't been bad, I just couldn't drink anything else yesterday night cause I was SO full. didn't want to throw up again

    @lessajthanb4 Ugh, its a frustrating cycle

    @southersleever I TOTALLY forgot about Sonic. I really did. Damn fast.

    @Sheila "a closet of water hating darkness" I love that shit

    @bbm My labs are great. I had them done a little over a month ago

    @eschelle I think maybe the water this time of year tastes funny.

    @digitarii I certainly do not want any kidney stones. If my pee is the wrong color in the am, I will take steps to correct it. Even if it means shuddering while I choke back the bad stuff.

  10. I am a water hater also. My go to is hawaiian punch the sugar free kind. You can locate it at the grocery store where all the crystal light is. I try to make a pitcher a day and that is my goal. It does a bang up job. If you are unable to find some at your local market I would be happy to send you some so you can try it. If you would like to try it, shoot me a email at

  11. Find yourself a DollarTree. They sell those sugar-free packets of Hawaiian Punch in boxes of 8. That helps me. Pre-VSG, I lurved me some ice cold water. Now it's like asking me to drink vinegar. Also if you have sugar-free syrups, add a squirt or two. The Torani peach, watermelon, raspberry and lime helped me immediately post-op. From time to time I even dilute PowerAde to make sure I'm getting water and electrolytes.

  12. LOL....SMDH @ the BOTH of you!!!

  13. to add on to what christal said, i love you sistah and want you healthy too. physically and mentally. and having your chocha itch and burn all the time and your pelvis hurt all because you didn't woman it up and drink your water is just bloody insane. get a ice cold one and turn the a/c off, you must get the need to drink it.

  14. said nalgas...i'm stuck on'll be ok. i know you'll get your water on. since you'd been fasting, it might have been full of ketone's, too. you just never know. Ha...cabeza de nalgas...that was my favorite phrase in junior high.

  15. sugar free kool aid packets, I can only find tropical punch in the ghetto ass walmart but grape/orange and crystal light I can usually get from Target. Target also has the sugar free Hawaiian Punch in the dollar area up front and I found knock off crystal light in Lime Margarita flavor

  16. This was by far the funniest blog I've read in a long while. Thank you. Please try popcicles or flavored water. I get most of my water in take from iced tea. Also you could try some hydration drops in your beverage to insure your electrolyte needs are met.

  17. @3ofakindtransport You are awesome! Thanks for the offer. I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat.

    @mommy "I lurved me some ice cold water. Now it's like asking me to drink vinegar." I couldn't have said it better!

    @lil sis- LOL!

    @Vanita You mean it's not supposed to burn and itch all the time?!

    @Angel that's what I'm thinking, too. Ketones can do some crazy things to your pee.

    @Rahshell I will HAVE to look for the Lime Margarita. Thanks

    @tinytank I will investigate these hydration drops of which you speak. ty


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