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Friday, November 18, 2011

Missing cups and Alternate Universes

that's about as useful as a man with  
   This morning I woke up ready to mix up my Chike so that I could do a review. After being missing for months, I found it still in it's envelope behind a big ass box of organic tomatoes, so I was a wee bit excited. I went to the cabinet to get out the snazzy shaker bottle they sent me and it was no where to be found. WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY SHAKER BOTTLE? Really? Nobody in the house is drinking protein shakes so there is no reason at all for my stuff to have been messed with. Ugh, I hate kids, and by kids I mean PT's ass too.  Somebody in my house has been drinking out of it cause only the cup part is missing. The lid is sitting right there in a dark, lonely corner of my cabinet missing it's dearly beloved. Did I mention that I hate kids? And people.
And okra.
And whipped icing.
And cars with eyelashes.
And acid reflux.
Missing bottoms are only acceptable if you're a a kid with diaper rash or a top shelf sKripper in the middle of the graveyard shift at an all nude bar, "Jangle and Dangle"

My weight is up and I'm none too happy about it. Its not a large enough amount for me to really be worried about, but its big enough for it to slightly grate my scale obsessed brain. I know what I want to weigh, and I don't really want to be any bigger or smaller. Is that really too much to ask?
The scale hasn't been my friend ever since I went to Zumba last weekend. The following day, I had a  big swoosh and Bessie hasn't been the same all week. I'm not blaming it on Zumba, I'm just using that as a reference point. It would be nice if I could blame weight gain on exercise.It would be nice if I could blame all of life's ills on exercise! What if you could stop something bad by NOT doing an exercise? Like if you wanted to immediately become more attractive, all you'd have to do is stop doing Taebo. What a novel revelation!
 Broke? Stop Zumbaing.
Acne? No more elliptical.
Irritating as people wearing your nerves? Put the kibosh on all that running?
Ebola? Well, you're royally screwed on that one there buddy.
Impotence? No more leg lifts!
Anyway, I'm about to catch this flying pig to this wonderfully fantastic, alternate universe I've created. See you at the end of the rainbow!

Monday, November 14, 2011

BTV and Me

...or go in these damned ricotta cakes!!!!! A bitch is thirsty.
The lovely ladies of  made my Crispy Pan Fried Ricotta Cake recipe on air! They even spun the eggs ;) You should click the link and check out this really, uber cool episode.

Thank you so much for the support, Toni and Lynda. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Recipes and Greatness

    Today has been a very productive day for me. I've been in the kitchen since I woke up furiously slaving away inventing some weight loss surgery friendly recipes. Slaving might not be the best word choice. I'm Black, but there were no whips or chains in the kitchen anyway or some perverted Massa looking at my sexy Nubian ass like I'm a ribeye and he's a hungry wolf. Anyway, I've been throwing stuff together like some crazy mash up of Mr. Wizard, Eggface, and Paula Deen and the results have been nothing short of legendary. But, I'm a legend, so you can't really expect anything else but greatness.
It's not a toque, but I REALLY did cook in this hat!

Part of the reason for this burst of inspiration is the fact that one of my recipes, Crispy Pan Fried Ricotta Cakes, won an award. w00t! You know what that means? My greatness doesn't exist only in this little high heeled, big haired, sashaying universe inside my head. Knowing that you're not delusional certainly does something to lift the spirits. Speaking of spirits, somebody needs to drink a gin and tonic in my honor. I'd do it, but I'm far from finished in the kitchen and in addition to taking a stand againt drunken texting, drunken volleyball I've also taken a stand against drunken cooking. It's a huge underreported problem, people.
Back to this winning thing. Does anybody want to buy me a bouquet of cupcakes and have them sent to my house? That is what you do when people win stuff, isn't it? Give them more stuff!!! When I was a student at Madame Papillon's School for Loose Women they had an art contest. My buttercream Madonna and Child Sitting at the Bus Stop Sucking on a Lollipop sculpture took top billing. In addition to the gold medal and the "This Kid is a Winner" certificate scrawled in old people's handwriting on a sheet of looseleaf paper I got a basket FULL of stuff. There was some Geritol, some denture cream (great eyelash glue btw), a couple of 5 dollar gift certificates to Sizzler, a pair of top of the line toe nail clippers, and some Gold Bond powder ( a friend told me that it was really good for carpet burn in the middle of your back. Hey, don't judge her. Where were we going to school again?)
I relive these fond memories only to tell you to send me more stuff...more!..more!...MORE!

Well, I got some shopping to do so that I can wrap up today's Krazy Kitchen Kookoff. Adios, mis amigos.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Normalcy and Unease

   Morning ya'll. It's been damn near a month of Sundays since I last blogged. I've been busy being a mom and trying to keep out household float. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just life....just life.

My weight has been really great. I was at my all time low weight yesterday, but after eating like a rabid zombie cow, I'm NOT at my lowest weight today. Eh, there's no way that its a real weight gain so I'm not distressed about it at all. In fact, I'm happy that I've been able to keep my weight within a few pounds of my lowest weight without really trying. I haven't exercised in a gajillion years and I've pretty much been eating whatever I want to. I should be happy that I'm able to maintain my loss with little actual effort on my part, but the truth is it feels a little uneasy.

Before surgery I had a conversation with Headlights that I remember like it happened yesterday. We were sitting at the top of her stairs talking, and I was telling her how I wished that I could be normal. I wanted to feel normal, look normal, eat a normal amount of food, shop in normal stores, fit into normal seats.....and right now I'm normal.

I don't want to obsess about what I eat or don't eat all the time, so why am I not happy that I'm cruising along on autopilot and still holding it all together. Let me clarify- I'm not sad, I'm just not elated. Not overwhelmed, not underwhelmed just "whelmed?" Normalcy is what I wanted so......



He's a fighter...a slayer.
Maybe a part of me feels like I should be fighting...something.  Since the weight gain started after having The Kid, I've been battling it tooth and nail, even claw. I didn't gain weight gracefully and I was constantly on one diet plan or another trying to bail myself out of the Titanic with a bucket and a prayer. Fighting may be too strong of a word. Struggling.....floundering......flopping around like a fish gasping for air....but I was doing something.
My reality, for years now, has been focused on me trying to lose weight.
Now I'm done.
I don't have to lose more weight and more importantly, I don't want to lose more weight.
How do I transition to this new reality?

Maybe I'm a little uneasy because despite all appearances, I'm afraid I'm not normal. Maybe I'm afraid that this is all an elaborate facade and the Real Me will unzip the normal suit, step out, and ruin the normalcy that I have. The New Me, the Normal Me, the Me That I Am RIGHT NOW, feels like the real me. So why would I be scared that the Real Me is the real me? Are you following? Being unzipped like a garment bag and another entity coming out is very un-normal.

What the fuck is normal anyway? Don't we all have a touch of the crazy in one form or another?...*sigh*...I'm reaching here for answers. I don't really know and I don't have the proper training for this shit. The last degree I got was almost 10 years ago and Certified Cupcake Expert isn't worth the paper it's printed on and certainly doesn't qualify me for all of this...anyway of this.

But here it is in a nutshell-I've reached a new milestone in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd say that might actually be pretty normal.

Waning Woman is sponsored by North Texas Bariatrics


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