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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Normalcy and Unease


   Morning ya'll. It's been damn near a month of Sundays since I last blogged. I've been busy being a mom and trying to keep out household float. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just life....just life.

My weight has been really great. I was at my all time low weight yesterday, but after eating like a rabid zombie cow, I'm NOT at my lowest weight today. Eh, there's no way that its a real weight gain so I'm not distressed about it at all. In fact, I'm happy that I've been able to keep my weight within a few pounds of my lowest weight without really trying. I haven't exercised in a gajillion years and I've pretty much been eating whatever I want to. I should be happy that I'm able to maintain my loss with little actual effort on my part, but the truth is it feels a little uneasy.

Before surgery I had a conversation with Headlights that I remember like it happened yesterday. We were sitting at the top of her stairs talking, and I was telling her how I wished that I could be normal. I wanted to feel normal, look normal, eat a normal amount of food, shop in normal stores, fit into normal seats.....and right now I'm normal.

I don't want to obsess about what I eat or don't eat all the time, so why am I not happy that I'm cruising along on autopilot and still holding it all together. Let me clarify- I'm not sad, I'm just not elated. Not overwhelmed, not underwhelmed just "whelmed?" Normalcy is what I wanted so......

Why?

Why?


He's a fighter...a slayer.
Maybe a part of me feels like I should be fighting...something.  Since the weight gain started after having The Kid, I've been battling it tooth and nail, even claw. I didn't gain weight gracefully and I was constantly on one diet plan or another trying to bail myself out of the Titanic with a bucket and a prayer. Fighting may be too strong of a word. Struggling.....floundering......flopping around like a fish gasping for air....but I was doing something.
My reality, for years now, has been focused on me trying to lose weight.
Now I'm done.
I don't have to lose more weight and more importantly, I don't want to lose more weight.
How do I transition to this new reality?

Maybe I'm a little uneasy because despite all appearances, I'm afraid I'm not normal. Maybe I'm afraid that this is all an elaborate facade and the Real Me will unzip the normal suit, step out, and ruin the normalcy that I have. The New Me, the Normal Me, the Me That I Am RIGHT NOW, feels like the real me. So why would I be scared that the Real Me is the real me? Are you following? Being unzipped like a garment bag and another entity coming out is very un-normal.

What the fuck is normal anyway? Don't we all have a touch of the crazy in one form or another?...*sigh*...I'm reaching here for answers. I don't really know and I don't have the proper training for this shit. The last degree I got was almost 10 years ago and Certified Cupcake Expert isn't worth the paper it's printed on and certainly doesn't qualify me for all of this...anyway of this.

But here it is in a nutshell-I've reached a new milestone in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd say that might actually be pretty normal.





4 comments:

  1. One of the things I have learned about myself is that when someone says something that REALLY hits me hard it's not because it isn't or is true in fact and data...it's because a tiny little piece of me believes it to be true. THERE in lies the issue. We can KNOW something with our head and our heart can still be crying in a corner because it's reality is different. How do we change that? I haven't a fuggin clue.

    AWESOME post and gklad to read your voice again

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  2. This is normal, but it's new. I'm sure ('cause I'm not even close, so I can't say it with authority) that you will eventually settle in to this newness. I think what you're feeling is the knowledge that you will need to be vigilant for life. If you haven't been as vigilant as you thought you would or should be a this point, your mind is firing off warning shots or something. You can also wrap your mind around the idea that anyone, no matter what size, should pay attention to what they put in their bodies and exercise. If you feel you haven't been keeping an any on all that crap, it's logical that you'd feel uneasy. You have a lot of reasons to feel uneasy. But you are you. This you is just a healthier version of you. But each you you've been during this process has been just as much you as you are now. You've been on a ride and now it's time to get off. There was always so much to see and so much to do on the ride, but what now? You will find that place of comfort. I know you will. But you'll always need "something" that drives you. Most amazing people do. You'll find it.

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  3. Oh girl, did you sleep too close to me? Did you catch the crazy? You are the most grounded woman I know! You are an anchor, you reach out and grab the crazy and slap it back to reality! You got the normal, wrangled it, sadled it and rode it home!

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  4. If you think back to how many years you lived in a big body and now the real you has come out, it's gonna take some time. It's like trying to get adjusted to being famous and having all kinds of paparazzi after your ass. It's not going to come all at once but one day you'll feel as normal as you can, so just take it one day at a time. I think for people like us who have had to battle weight issues all our lives, it's that kind of scar that will never go away, and the fear of going back to the hell you came from will always be lurking. I think each one of us has to deal with it in a way that feels comfortable for us. Just stay in control and you'll be fine. - Nica

    ReplyDelete

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