Morning ya'll. It's been damn near a month of Sundays since I last blogged. I've been busy being a mom and trying to keep out household float. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just life....just life.
My weight has been really great. I was at my all time low weight yesterday, but after eating like a rabid zombie cow, I'm NOT at my lowest weight today. Eh, there's no way that its a real weight gain so I'm not distressed about it at all. In fact, I'm happy that I've been able to keep my weight within a few pounds of my lowest weight without really trying. I haven't exercised in a gajillion years and I've pretty much been eating whatever I want to. I should be happy that I'm able to maintain my loss with little actual effort on my part, but the truth is it feels a little uneasy.
Before surgery I had a conversation with Headlights that I remember like it happened yesterday. We were sitting at the top of her stairs talking, and I was telling her how I wished that I could be normal. I wanted to feel normal, look normal, eat a normal amount of food, shop in normal stores, fit into normal seats.....and right now I'm normal.
I don't want to obsess about what I eat or don't eat all the time, so why am I not happy that I'm cruising along on autopilot and still holding it all together. Let me clarify- I'm not sad, I'm just not elated. Not overwhelmed, not underwhelmed just "whelmed?" Normalcy is what I wanted so......
|He's a fighter...a slayer.|
My reality, for years now, has been focused on me trying to lose weight.
Now I'm done.
I don't have to lose more weight and more importantly, I don't want to lose more weight.
How do I transition to this new reality?
Maybe I'm a little uneasy because despite all appearances, I'm afraid I'm not normal. Maybe I'm afraid that this is all an elaborate facade and the Real Me will unzip the normal suit, step out, and ruin the normalcy that I have. The New Me, the Normal Me, the Me That I Am RIGHT NOW, feels like the real me. So why would I be scared that the Real Me is the real me? Are you following? Being unzipped like a garment bag and another entity coming out is very un-normal.
What the fuck is normal anyway? Don't we all have a touch of the crazy in one form or another?...*sigh*...I'm reaching here for answers. I don't really know and I don't have the proper training for this shit. The last degree I got was almost 10 years ago and Certified Cupcake Expert isn't worth the paper it's printed on and certainly doesn't qualify me for all of this...anyway of this.
But here it is in a nutshell-I've reached a new milestone in my life and I'm uneasy about it. I'd say that might actually be pretty normal.