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Friday, January 27, 2012

Early Morning Nausea and Chocolate

Yesterday I woke up to the rain drumming on the roof and the wind whispering to the cold telling it to come under the crack in the garage door and into my house. I cranked up the electric blanket, feebly attempting to ward off the conspiratorial acts of the wind and rain and little body insulation. This triumvirate of chilliness bore down one me and I figured it was best a make a retreat to a room with carpeted floors and a little better insulation.

On the way, I reached into the pantry to grab one of my favorite RTD protein shakes and I popped it open, drinking it as I shuffled down the hallway. I hadn't made it all the way to the room, when I tinge of nausea reared its head in my belly. "Oh, shit," I thought to myself. "Well, maybe I just need to get this taste out of my mouth. Let me have a few of these fruit snacks that The Kid just randomly left in the room." (Everybody knows that you need an excuse to eat fruit snacks) Well, I noshed greedily on the artificially colored, cartoon shaped, high fructose nuggets but surprisingly (or not), much to my chagrin, the little suckers didn't work.
The little tinge of nausea wasn't so little anymore.
It was a living breathing organism surging in my belly.
-Like a whole bunch of tiny bugs moving in sync-
a semisentient, zombie colony with one unified goal- GETTING THE HELL UP OUTTA MY BODY!
This is about as cute as it gets for vomit pics. Google and see for yourself.

Somebody turned the spigot in my mouth and jammed the damn thing! All I could do was lean over the sink and pray to Porcelareus, God of the Loo. For me, the nausea is way worse than the actual evacuation of the stomach contents, so I begged to just get it over with.

I heaved and hurled the slightly curdled shake out of my body, but that wasn't the worst part.

You know how delicious chocolate is when its rolling around your palate, coating your taste buds with rich decadence.
Sinfully, achingly, good. 

Take the inverse of that, and that's how awfully, terrifically, fuckedly, gross chocolate is coming back up the other way.
Sinfully, achingly, HORRIFIC!

I'm more serious than a heart attack when I tell you that chocolate has to be the WORST THING IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE TO THROW UP!!!! AND YES I AM USING ALL CAPS CAUSE ITS THAT SERIOUS!!!!!  I'm certain that the only thing worse is actual shit.

The taste of the chocolate coming back up was enough to cause a cascade of muscle spasm inducing dry heaves. Oh God, my eyes are watering just talking about it. I really think I gotta stop talking about it. The phantom taste of upchucked chocolate is making me a little...ugh...yeah.

NEVER throw up chocolate.

I'm done here.

CC image courtesy of Ray Larabie in Flickr


  1. Was something wrong with the shake or are you getting sick?

    I hope you never have to vomit chocolate again, but you did a great job of describing it.

    1. I'm not sure what it was I'm calling it a UVI, unidentified vomiting incident

  2. so i won't bring up the dreaded thing. instead i'll ask, ever thrown up tuna salad. ewwh ewwh and nasty.

    1. I totally forgot about tuna fish!!!! I actually have. Its shuddering inducing, too.

  3. Ooooh, UVI, maybe are you pregnant? :-)

    I absolutely abhor throwing up anything...and I do mean abhor...there is just about NOTHING worse (k, cept death) than throwing up. It's one of the reasons I picked the VSG over the band. And knock on my formica computer desk, I have YET to ever ONCE throw anything up since being sleeved....booyah.

    1. Just rub it in, why don't you! lol.

      If I'm pregnant, its the second coming of Christ


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