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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Somebody killed my scale

  Well, in my last post, I was telling yall about how Bessie (my scale for those if you who don't know) was sick. Turns out, her injuries were not compatible with life. The magic, bring me back to life powder was just gonna make a mess, and since I'm the only one who sweeps around here, I decided to forgo the witchery. She went peacefully to great big Weight Watchers meeting in the sky, which is where all scales want to go, so here I am about to go get Bessie part trois.
Poor Bessie. Deader than disco
Anyway, for the first few weeks I was doing just fine without daily weighing. I was actually kinda proud of myself because I was on my Feel Good, Looking Good, Fuck My Weight, I'm Fabulous, shit. Yesterday though, I was beat down with the crazy stick and completely started freaking out about not weighing. On top of that, I've also not been going to the gym because my membership has expired. So that is potentially a recipe for Crazy Cacciatore Casserole.

But, I think that at least a small portion of my crazy is justified.

I weigh a LOT. Not frequency, but the actual amount that that I weigh. I'm not saying that I'm fat, and it's certainly not a judgement, it is a fact. I'm just barely into onederland and I'll never really be too far into it. A few weeks worth of bad decisions and I could easily see myself back over 200. Way too easily. Not that being over 200 makes me fat, either. It is just a number. But....
Nobody wants to gain weight, but when gaining weight moves you from the 1's to the 2's that is a lot harder pill to swallow. In my head, I know that there is really no difference between 199 and 200 numerically. Psychologically, it might as well be the Mariana Trench. 199 is in a tugboat puttering away on the surface of the Pacific Ocean and 200 is down in the trench with those weird ass, bug eyed, phosphorescent fish.

Yesterday,  like I said, I got hit with the Crazy Stick (which in nothing like the Magic Stick just in case you were wondering) I was just fine on Sunday, but yesterday I was convinced that I'd gained a ton of weight and that I was going to be over 200 lbs the next time I jumped on the scale. Once the thought was the sown, it easily took root and dominated my thought process like a creeping, parasitic plant-commandeering my neurons and thought pathways to send out it's own noxious, chemical signal.
 And because the eyes don't operate independently of the brain, they were affected too.
And my emotions...
And my sense of being in my body...

Logically I know that there is nothing that I could have done that could have changed me from Sunday to Monday, but these thoughts are like an ear worm times 20 and they override the logic pathways. I know its all in my head, but my head is the only one that I have. I can't pop in a brain with a better sense of perception when I have one of these days. It's a lot messier than I really want to deal with, and like I said, I'm the only one who sweeps around here. I'm just glad that these days don't happen too often.

1 comment:

  1. Your worth is NOT defined by any number on Bessie (or any other version of a scale). You are special and unique. You are MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than that number!

    Amy Pedersen


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