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Monday, November 12, 2012

Defeated and feeling Defeeted

There is a lot of stuff on my mind today and I'm feeling a little run down.
I want to talk about my emotions and while I am open and expressive most days, today I'm having a really hard time trying to pin down into words to explain what I am feeling. Finding the balance today, the sweet spot, is as elusive as that delicious calorie free cupcake I've been seeking. I feel a little raw, on the verge of spilling over the top of the dike with a torrent of "frustration" and "despondency". I need to get it off of my chest, rip it off like taking off a uniform after a double shift. But then I"ll be naked and you'll see through me.

Laying it all out on the table, I do. I'm honest about everything I'm going through. There is a difference between laying "it" on the table and laying yourself on the table. Tell me if you think that you could bear that. Today I can only put pieces on the table.

I look at this mess in my house and I feel defeated.
I hear unaswered pleas echoing in my head and I feel defeated.
I see the deaf ears on which they fall and I feel defeated.
I miss my Mama.
I see these chipped up ass toe nails and I feel de"feet"ed.
On a day like today, it doesn't take much.

The specifics, the who/what/when/where/why/how, of my feelings really do not matter: Here is the truth- You are not promised a golden life just because you lose weight. People die, disappoint you, leave you, hurt you, embarrass you, dislike you, and you even do the same to yourself. Weight loss surgery isn't an inoculation against anything. The only thing it can offer you is the chance to have a better quality of life.

And even though I feel defeated today, I know that I am not.
I'm going to get up, get moving, get on with my day and enjoy the new quality of life that I have.

These fucking dishes will have to wait until I get back.


  1. I know how you feel (except the chipped up toenails and Mom stuff). I want to throw my hands in the air and say fuck it but my pride wont let me. I refuse to quit just because life has gotten a little harder. I applaud you for stepping up and overcoming your adversity. I see that you are so I know I can.

    1. Thank you for commenting. Life is life and there will be bad days. They just need to be fewer in number than the good days

  2. I don't know where you live, but it's gotten so dark so early here (I live near Seattle). I wonder if that's part of your change in feelings? I know I feel kind of gloomy this time of year. Anyway, thanks for your honesty and hope your day gets better.

    1. I know that the time change is affecting my mood and my energy levels

  3. Do I need to come and do the dishes... lol,, You are such a strong woman, before and after the surgery. Good days yea yea,,,, bad days suck... Life is Life, skinny, fat, young or old, everybody has to deal with the same situation in life, sooner or later.....And you are FABULIOUS... and you look amazing on the outside, and you are a beautiful sole on the inside,, AND I LOVE YA...

  4. I'm sure you know I'd agree that to get up, get out, and DO SOMETHING is the exact right choice!!! We all have down days and we may find ourselves in a place where many things seem to be piling up. DO SOMETHING that will get your mind and your hands occupied and before you know it, you've moved past the worst of that down feeling and you've taken yourself to a place where you can focus on whatever needs to be done in your life.

    1. I typed an entire reply...then the palm of my hand selected the whole thing & deleted it. Freakin' laptops...

      Basically this:

      You did the best thing by spilling some of that over-the-top emotion and getting out of the house. Damn right, the dishes CAN wait, they don't have a choice, do they? Because if Mama ain't happy, NO ONE is.

      Keep ya head up, and hit me up via Twitter for some laughs & other things...and by the way, you're looking great. "Chipped up ass toenails" and all. ;)

  5. let it out, let it go and get busy living sis. big hugs to you. have missed you.

  6. Thanks for sharing this, Vanita. WW, I feel you. I lost it for a good 6 months and to say I felt defeated is putting it lightly. I feel you. I feel you. I love you and I miss you, too.

  7. Thanks for sharing this, Vanita. WW, I feel you. I lost it for a good 6 months and to say I felt defeated is putting it lightly. I feel you. I feel you. I love you and I miss you, too.


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