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Sunday, June 2, 2013

So I got a colonic the other day...

This is me on the table

I've been on Groupon like crazy lately so when I saw a "INFRARED WRAP LOSE A MILLION POUNDS IN JUST 45 MINUTES PLUS A SESSION OF COLON HYDROTHERAPY FOR JUST 29.99" I had to try it. I know better of course but curiosity is a mother!

Let me tell you about the wrap first.
I arrived at the office filled out a few forms and I went into a room where I changed into sweatpants and  long sleeve shirt. After donning the exquisitely fashinable garb, I went into the room where they put on some Enya-esque music and old me to lay on a table. The wrap isn't really a mummy like wrap so much as it is a big ass electric blanket. So they burritoed me, and before I knew it, my ass was being woken up 45 minutes later soaked from head to toe. That was it. The heat put me right to sleep and I woke up needing a change of clothes. Not unlike a the last time I went to Cancun...... but instead of heat it was mezcal and instead of a change of clothes it was a new identity, but that's a whole other story. Anyhoo I'd give it 2.5 stars out of 5. I'd do it again if somebody else was paying for it. In all seriousness though even after I rehydrated I've been down a pound and a half. Who knows.

Just a little over a week later, I returned to the same place for my colonic. My brother told me that he'd had one and that afterwards he felt as light as Hugh Jackman on Broadway in a leotard and pointe shoes. Sounds magical right?
Anyway I was whisked into this small room with the LIBBE contraption, TV, candles, and most important on the list- a toilet. The practitioner came into the room, shot the shit with me, talked a little about homeopathic and non traditional medicine, and then left me in the room to get ready.

I stripped from the waist down, put on a t shirt and laid on the table. The good thing about the LIBBE system in that you get to put the nozzle into your own butt. After I was comfortably on the table with tube and my butt and draped for modesty the practitioner came back in, popped in a DVD and instructed me to turn on the machine.
The nozzle that goes in your butt. 
He told me not to bear down, but the first couple of times it was hard not to. The water filled up my lower bowel and I was kinda scared to release because I it felt like the nozzle was going to fly right out of my butt. Luckily it didn't this time and out of me came a dirty tinged, speckled fluid.

After I released I didn't feel relief and I kinda tensed up at the anticipation of the next fill. My toes curled up a little bit as the liquid ascended higher into my colon and I felt the distenstion of my abdomen. In a brief moment of "OMG WTF" panic I almost hopped my Black ass down off of the table after I envisioned the water coursing through my ENTIRE digestive system, through Sleevie, up and out of my esophagus, and down trachea drowning me right there on the table. I didn't die, but with that release I felt beads of sweat pop up on my forehead.

After that point, there really weren't anymore voluntary releases. My sufficiently pissed off colon went into peristalsis and I experienced what I can only describe as throwing up out of my butt.

The time passed by super slowly and then the practitioner came in to check on me and give me a massager to use on my abdomen to break up the pieces. He was a really nice guy, but it seemed like it was taking him forever to plug in the damned thing and I just wanted him to get the hell out of there so I could butt chuck in relative peace. Taking a poo, even a medically induced one, while somebody is talking to you and you're in a supine position is just really, really, really, weird.

After he left I took the massager placed in on the areas of my abdomen where there was cramping to help the hardened material come loose. I think it just pissed off my colon more.

By then, the sweating, fuzzy feeling, fatique...it was just too much so I turned off the machine a little before my 45 minutes were up. He came in finished me up by turning the machine to cold to tighten me back up and as soon as he left I jumped up off of the table so that I could let that final fill out on the toilet. I'm going to say this again. Letting your bowels go while laying down just feels wrong. I felt better sitting on familiar territory. Once my insides stopped quivering and pulsating, I washed down and got dressed.

In summary there was nothing magical about it. There was no lego from toddlerhood that showed up in the viewtube, no gum from 4th grade, in fact there was nothing that came out that was extraordinary or remarkable.I also didn't magically lose 5 pounds. 
I was wore out. Instead of Hugh Jackman in pointe shoes I felt like Huge Jackman, porn star extraordinaire after a world record attempt...in desperate need of a hosedown, a good ass nap and a contract to self promising not to put nothing in my butt for the next 6 months.
I give this 1.5 stars out of 5. I am about a pound lighter but I wouldn't do it again if YOU paid for it.

Note to self: Just use Miralax next time. Same effect and much cheaper

10 comments:

  1. Girl you had me rolling. I love your humor and honesty

    ReplyDelete
  2. ROTFLMBO

    I have tears in my damn eyes I am laughing soooooooo hard.

    Thank you for doing this so I don't have to.

    These are two things I had on my list of things to do.

    I trust your opinion.

    Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Girl. You did not share this story over 'Opian. And for that I thank you. LMAO!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear lord why would you willingly do that!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I admire you for being so open with regards to this thing!! You still manage to make this post funny and cool. Keep it up!!

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  6. You need to get on stage, that shit was funny as hell because I know it really happen!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know I'm super late to the party, but I am crying tears and my stomach hurts from laughing. This would so be me, everyone loving it and me having the "crappiest" experience ever.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Nice blog. I like your post. Thanks for sharing.

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