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Monday, July 29, 2013

Judgement



 I didn't go to my first post-surgical support group until more than a year after my vertical sleeve gastrectomy. In all honesty though, I don't necessarily know if you need to have an extensive support network when the weight loss is easy. I know I didn't, but now that I think about it, I have a totally different experience than a lot of others, and that may explain my own personal need. Your mileage may vary. This blog post is totally going somewhere else than my original intention of talking about support groups and it is starting now.

I wasn't fat my whole life. My weight problems started with my son't pregnancy and they just spiraled out of control after that. I was fat for a few years, but even that was just too much for me
After bariatric surgery, were no sudden adjustments to seeing myself as I never did before. The size that I am now, I've been this size before.
There was no sudden adjustment to people treating me differently ( opening doors or offering to buy cars drinks, etc). I have dealt with all of this before. It wasn't uncomfortable.
Catty stares?....... That's nothing
"Oh she thinks she's all of that."......Try better
Getting "hated" on.......I keep my hater blockers in my pocket. That don't faze me!
I'm on the phone with my hater breaking crew, wearing my hater repellent flower in my hair, and hater blocker shades that I hope would make Morgan Fairchild proud.
On the contrary, the extra weight I was carrying was foreign to me. Being trapped in a body which had formerly granted me the freedom to do whatever the hell I wanted was depressing. I never wanted to leave the house.
Being invisible, a nobody, a nothing is painful, but not being seen is better than being judged.

Once I had weight loss surgery, I was the new "old me". Back to being exactly who I was.

But if a weight loss surgery patient has been fat most of their life there is no new "old" me to go back to. It isn't familiar territory.
Just new "new" me.

I cannot imagine what that must be like and I cannot imagine doing that on my own. It's probably as dramatic as being Black your while life and then walking out of the hospital as White. I'm not kidding when I say I think it is that dramatic. I would need a lot of hand holding, a lot of shoulders to cry on, and a lot of people telling me that it would be ok.

I can see myself wanting to go back to the old me, because that's all I would know. Damn, this blog post is really making me understand other's motivations, thoughts, reasons. Right up until this very moment, I never understood self sabotaging behaviors.
It is better to be smaller, isn't it? Why would anybody want to go back to being fat?

They would want to go back to being fat, because I would want to go back to being Black.

I can't judge her anymore than she can judge me.
I can't judge the woman who goes back to her abusive husband.
I am no better than anybody else. I've said it my whole life, but understanding it, having the fucking light bulb light up and come crashing down on your head, it is emotional.
I can't judge and if it has ever felt like I have. I apologize to you.
I apologize for the people who have judged you.
Let's just hold one another up.

I have a wonderful group of people who do exactly that for me. My Dallas area support group, After the Cut. We don't just focus on life after weight loss surgery, but life in and of itself. We are doing 5ks, Rangers games, boxing classes, and delicious Opian foods lunches. Find time on the 2nd and 4th Saturdays of each month to come out and join us. I would love to see you there.

#nojudgement









9 comments:

  1. Love ya girl!!!! See you soon!

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  2. Awesome. Yes it was/is like a strange new world some days you don't want to be a part of but for me the pain physical and emotional in the old world wasn't some place I want to go back to either... so you are without country, learning the ways and customs. Agree... nice to not be alone in it all. XO see you soon!

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  3. I wish that I were able to find a support group like that in my area. It would be beneficial to me.

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  4. Awesome. It is just like you said. After the initial exhilaration, the WTF sets in. Love our group and praying I don't eff it up.

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  5. I can understand what you're saying here because I've been in an "average" weight range for so many years now. If I regained serious weight, I'm not sure if I'd even be flashed back to how things used to be. I'd be changed from what I've gotten used to, my new normal. Well, new as of 2005ish.

    Recent discussions of race and the President's speech prompted to me to write about what it's like to live two lives. I put the link in my name.

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  6. You are right. Some of us have no old me. I have no old me. The old me was so big that at age 8 or 9 I was wearing plus size women clothes. I don't remember ever being this small. It is scary new territory for me. Maybe sometime when I am in Dallas I can meet you or attend your group.

    ReplyDelete

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